Wednesday, September 17, 2008

Over the last few days...we "celebrated" our 31 month LID-versary. Thirty one months and four days ago our dossier was logged in at CCAA. Of course, we didn't know the precise day we'd been logged in until a few months later. Nevertheless, on that day, our paperwork was briefly reviewed by a clerk of some sort, stamped, and placed in storage with the dossiers of approximately 30,000 other hopeful families.

When we originally sent our dossier off I was so happy and relieved to have all that paperwork behind us. Brett was finishing the second half of his junior year of high school, Casey was a freshman, and I foolishly envisioned taking Baby G to Brett's football games in the winter of that year, 2006. Certainly that Christmas would include little girl things. Little did I know that two Christmas seasons would pass without the need for any dollies or pink items under the tree.

Now I sit, smack dab in the middle of the fall of 2008, ever hopeful that not another holiday season will be celebrated before our family is complete. We shall see. Intellectually I believe that we will be included in this next batch but emotionally, I'm having a hard time letting my guard down. Month after month has brought mostly happy stories for those who have waited and waited their turn. Likewise, each month there seems to be at least one sad story of someone being skipped, a referral made far outside of expectations or even dramatic and life altering occurences that prevent families from completing their planned adoptions. I try very hard to remember that for most it works out well and allow the stories of the less fortunate to shift to the back of my consciousness. There the bad thoughts sit, huddled up in a dark corner, hidden but not forgotten.

Most days I muddle through but some days the stress of the situation has been too much and I've felt like I was going to burst from frustration over this process of waiting and waiting and waiting for something that may never happen. At the same time I have to face the fact that, even if it does happen, it may not turn out to be the positive experience I've been hoping for.

Its all just a giant crapshoot and, at this point, the dice are still rolling.


amy said...

Thanks for being honest. We have quiet a ways to go but I hope and pray that you will be next

Karen said...

Hi Susan ~ you said exactly what I've been feeling lately. We have to hope for the best but prepare for the worst, don't we? I hope you are in this month and have all pink under the tree for Christmas!

Nina said...

Susan, it will happen. You are very close and the rug is not going to be pulled out from underneath you! I know exactly how you feel - it's how I felt last month (and most of the last two years) but I really think you'll be posting a baby photo very soon!!