ADOPTING IS THE NEW BLACK

Interesting. Apparantly this is a new tshirt being put out by Urban Outfitters. I've never bought anything there, never even been in one of the stores.

Recently, the existence of this tshirt has caused quite a stir on the online IA groups. I was intrigued that some people thought it was "racist" --at first they didn't understand that "the new black" meant fashionable --really had to chuckle on that one!! Anyway. Once that was cleared up it still appeared that the overwhelming majority thought the tshirt was horrible, awful, and over the top offensive. I guess I'm in the mini-minority here. It just doesn't have that effect on me.

Like it or not, IA has become part of the mainstream--quite suddenly really. And, its not primarily because its been going on with Korean adoptions since the 50s and thousands upon thousands of families have been created this way. Its because of Angelina Jolie, not her really, but the media's preoccupation with selling magazines that keep certain people in the public eye so that mega rich corporate movie studios can get people to go to the movies and buy the DVDs and they can make even more MONEY!!!!

On another group, someone made the very accurate point that all of this media frenzy is very effective. How long ago was it that Paris What's-She-Do?? Hilton started carrying around a little dog in her purse. People and US and all the other fun to read mags had pix of it. Suddenly, little tiny purse dogs were all the rage. Target has a whole aisle devoted to cute little doggie items and accessories to go along with the pets. The onslaught of media coverage was very effective and started a huge "trend" --the trend is waning now. I see that Paris now is dragging around a new kind of creature in her bag. Hopefully all the little dogs who were bred and adopted are now still being cared for carefully and not abused or dropped off at the local shelter. Little dogs, particularly chihuahuas are a lot of work.

Definition of "trendy" from dictionary.com:
1. of, in, or pertaining to the latest trend or style.
2. following the latest trends or fashions; up-to-date or chic: the trendy young generation.
3. appealing to faddish taste: a trendy hotel. –noun
4. a trendy person, place, object, or idea.
[Origin: 1960–65]

I know some will blast me for this, but I think IA has become a bit "trendy" --it is in "style" and commonplace to many due to the media and celebrity involvement. I know for a fact that there are people who are adopting for what I will call "THE WRONG REASONS" --on this blog I get to say what "THE WRONG REASONS" are because, well, its my blog. The wrong reason is:

As a charity project --complete with church-sponsored save-an-orphan spaghetti dinner fund raisers. These are the same people who believe and say to others of China "they kill their girls there" and want to feel good about themselves about doing this charitable thing and want to be seen as saving part of the world through their actions (I'm sorry if this hurts someone's feelings but YUCK!!!)

This, my cyber friends, is the trendy part.

Now, if you disagree with my statement you are more than welcome to write in your own blog about how my reason is "wrong" --my reason for anyone who is still reading or even cares is:

Because we want to add a member to our family

And, for the record, I believe quite strongly that the majority of people adopting do so for this reason, the right reason. They have had fertility issues, they chose adoption because they believe that they don't need to give birth to a child in order to have a child, etc. But at the core is the desire to parent and not to do a charitable act.

To those "trendy" adopters who are entering this process due to the "trend" I really hope that somewhere along the way, sooner rather than later, you get with the program. Because when your kid disappoints and frustrates you (which will happen I guarantee at some point in time cuz well, they're people) you're going to be pretty unhappy that they're not more appreciative of your charitable act.

As far as the "trend" for IA --I believe it too will pass. Eventually, AJ with or without Brad will complete her little family, people will move onto something else to talk and think about. There will be fewer links on the front page of msn.com to IA sites. People will look into it and think, wow!! that's a lot of work!

But, there will always be people who want to build their families and add a new member for whom adoption is the answer and they will do research and finally be led to IA.

Families will still be made this way but, it won't be "trendy"

Found this on someone else's blog (Thanks Nicole) --thought it was fun. Copy, paste and complete then send me a link if you want.

A is for age:
40 --but I will be 41 in about a month

B is for Beer:
Don't drink, used to, liked Corona with a lime :-)

C is for Career:
Attorney

D is for my Dog's Name:
Cat only, Delilah

E is for Essential Item I Use Everyday:
Internet!

F is for Favorite T.V. Show:
I'm a TV junkie so I have lots of fav's but I think my current fav is Rome--I love that show!

G is for Favorite Game:
To play: Scrabble; to watch: basketball

H is for Hometown:
Rancho Cucamonga

I is for Instruments I Play:
Piano a little bit

J is for Favorite Juice:
Cranberry anything

K is for Whose Butt I’d Like To Kick:
George Bush aka the Shrub (baby bush LOL!) --I hated Bush when hating Bush wasn't cool

L is for the Last Place I Ate:
Besides home?? Rambertos --hole in the wall mexican food

M is for Marriage:
Married 21 years

N is for my Name:
Susan

O is for Overnight Hospital Stays:
Other than when the kids were born, I was hospitalized twice as a kid for concussions

P is for People I was With Today:
work people

Q is for Quote:
"What goes around, comes around"

R is for Biggest Regret:
Not having more bio kids when I was younger and not adopting sooner.

S is for Sport:
Shopping???

T is for Time I Woke Up Today:
6:00, 6:10, 6:20, 6:30 --then I got up

U is for Current Underwear:
White --so boring

V is for Vegetable You Love:
Pretty much all except zucchini --ick!

W is for Worst Habit:
Is grumpiness a habit? If not, then maybe biting my nails

X is for X-rays I Have Had:
Many. But I think we should change X to "X is for most memorable kiss" --you can just visualize if you want.

Y is for Yummy Food You Ate Today:
Breakfast burritos

Z is for Zodiac:
Gemini

Today is Sunday. Referrals, such as they were, came out last Monday (I think. I'm kinda losing track of days here). I finally feel up to (capable of??) posting. As anyone in the China adoption world probably knows, this April batch only covered 2 days, Oct 25 and Oct 26, 2005. To say that it was a kick in the gut would be putting in mildly. This wait has been very painful but this referral batch was truly the low point. I'm not much of a crier, never have been, but this one got to me. To wait and wait is tough but to wait for something with an semi expected date that moves exponentially further and further away on a monthly basis is surely some form of torture.

When I first saw the referral batch, I was numb. I mean truly when is the last time that anything positive has happened as far as the adoption goes?? We sent off our dossier on 1/20/06, we were logged in about 3 weeks later on 2/13/06. I have been telling myself we would have a referral in about 12 mos for just over 14 mos now. How can this possibly be happening?? The only thing that makes me feel better is looking at the line behind us. Honestly, those people who are being logged in now must have a lot of faith in the process. There are 111 more LIDs ahead of us but people continue to be logged in everyday. I can't imagine if my LID was 4/16/07. Imagine trying to do the count down starting at 545 LIDs ahead of you? In the last 13 mos, CCAA has only covered 5 mos of LIDs, if they continue at that same rate we should have our referral in less than a year. If they continue at that rate those logged in today might not see the face of their child until 2011!!! (Gulp!!!)

Anyway, on the bright side, many families were formed with this last batch. Looking at the pix of those little babies makes the wait a little more bearable (and I mean a little). So here they are:

Mia
Ruby Mei
Zoey
Milana Ling
Elysa Xiaolang
Lauren Ming
Reagan
Teagan
Clara Beth
Samantha
Audrey
Lola
Marnina
Chun baby
Madelyn
Sophie Elizabeth
Meili
Cameron--boy
Savanah
Geordyn Belle
Marissa

Some 3/6/07 referrals:

Shania - Fu Bao Jun, 14 mos, Fuling SWI Chongqing
Waiting for Melina - Lian Ai Ning, 7 mos, Guangdong
Journey to Lindsey - Lindsey Jean Zhi-bin, 10 mos, Guangdong
Journey to Jaiden - Ling Qian Huhan, 10 mos, Jiangxi province
For Zoey - Jin Chun Hua, 11 mos, Jiangxi
Meaghan Grace - Zhu Min Zhu, 14 mos, Guangdong
Table for 6 Elaina Rae - Xi Zhen Rong, 7 mos, Kunming SWi, Yunnan
Ainsley's MeiMei - Yue Meng Ru, 7 mos, Jiangxi
Christiana - Fu Bao Fang, 9 mos, Fuling SWI, Chongqing
Countdown to Caroline! - Ling Cha Jian, 8 mos, Jiangxi
Beatrice - Baohong Fu, 10 mos, Fuling SWI, Chongqing
Journey to Caty - Huang Wang Cui, 7 mos, Hubei
Emily & Rachel's Dad - daughter, 12 mos, Gunagdong
Our Magical Mystery Tour - Fu Hao Huang, 21 mos, Hubei
Bringing Home Peanut - Feng Xiaojiong, 7 mos, Fengcheng SWI, Jiangxi
Here's Isabelle! - Isabelle, 14 mos, Chongqing
Journey to Maya Lily - Lian Bao Yan, 11 mos, Guangdong
And Mia Makes 3 - Feng Xiao Lei, 8 mos, Jiangxi
Mallory
Jae Lyn
Cora-li

I've been thinking a lot about the infamous 5 stages of grief and sorrow. They usually pertain to grief due to the loss of a loved one by death or even divorce. But, it seems that in a way, this prolonged, unexpected and painful wait has been the death of an idea--the six months from LID to referral idea. I believe that those who were logged in at about the same time we were (11/05-3/06 or so) really got the brunt of the slow down. When we began the process, full months of referrals were still the rule --expected LID to referral 6-9 mos.

Right about the time we were DTC, 1/20/06, the sh** started to hit the fan so to speak. Massive slow down. One month with 3 LID days of referrals, ouch. There is no doubt in my mind that by the time we get our referral (which, barring any additionaly slowing, should be around October or November of this year) our group will have waited longer for a referral than any other China adopters in the history of the program 20-21 mos plus the 1 month from DTC to LID. Those who logged in after us will surely wait longer but had already started to see the evidence of the slowdown. Those who were logged in before us were of course also shocked by the slowdown but ended up with waits of about 16 mos or so (still painful of course).

I believe that I have experienced each stage of grief, in order, in varying degree and duration. I've certainly seen them all expressed by others in the many online groups to which I belong.

The 5 stages (and my interpretation of each) are:

1. denial --"there's no way this can be happening, I refuse to believe that we will not have our referral within 6-9 mos as I was promised by my agency, the referral times will certainly speed up, these changes are merely temporary and will have little affect on us in the long run", etc.
--I saw a lot of this on the boards for the first few months of the slow down. There were some people who absolutely refused to believe that wait times were lengthening, exponentially. Some on the Yahoo groups became literally incensed if anyone dared to express a belief that we, with 2/06 LID's, would not be home with our children by Halloween, and later Christmas, 2006.
It was as if they believed that the mere recognition of the fact that wait times were increasing would somehow cause a longer wait.
--personally, I tend to be a pragmatist, and somewhat negative and cynical by nature. I didn't live in the land of denial long at all.

2. anger --"this is ridiculous, how can CCAA be doing this to us, someone must be to blame, my agency intentionally misled me", etc.
--during this next stage I read of people even considering lawsuits against their agencies. I was angry for a while, not at anyone in particular, just generally pissy.

3. bargaining (pleading) --"surely there will be a change soon, these drastic extensions in the referral process cannot go on forever, this will be the month they will speed up, the wait is due to the bird flu, the Hunan scandal, CCAA moving offices", etc.
--I spent a little time here, pleading with the process, imagining how things could be different.

4. depression --this one is rather self explanatory. I've tried very hard not to get depressed but it creeps in. I've spent quite a bit of time being intermittently sad and frustrated. Sometimes it really hit me. The waiting, at times, felt so empty and even hopeless, it was actually physically painful. I think you actually would have to be in the process to truly understand this emotion. I miss and long for a person I havent' met yet. It's weird. I felt pretty sorry for myself and continually lamented the fact that we hadn't begun the process sooner.

And now, I enter.....
5. acceptance --TA DA!!! "it will happen when it happens, I will get my baby when the time is right, there is nothing I can do to speed this process--I can only control my feelings and reactions/response to the process", etc.
--Here I am. It's official, I have accepted that I have absolutely no control over these circumstances. I recognize the process for what it is. I no longer feel that sense of anger with the fact that the world isn't fair. I don't harbor any false hope that there will be some divine or other intervention that will magicly speed the process and I haven't shed a tear in quite awhile.

OK, I've arrived. Now what?

These are the blogs for the early Jan referrals:
Sink or Swim
My baby Ava
An Invisible Thread
Waiting for Emma
Our Journey to Margaret
On our way to China
The Story of Gracie
Gleason Journal
A Daughter
Bringing Home Sophie
Adopting Mia
Goliath Family
Our Journey to Mylia
Waiting for Ping
Journey to Zoe
Journey to Kenzie
Journey to Elizabeth
Journey for Maggie
McFees Girl
Journey to Grace
Adopting Mia
Our Family Journal
MargauxJade LinGreen Wooden Rooster
(Music) We Cross our Heart

A letter to CNN:
I had heard that Paula Zahn was going to be doing a piece on Chinese adoptions last night and was bummed to missed it. However, after reading the transcript I was completely shocked at how adoptive and prospective adoptive families were portrayed. Horrible! I also could not believe the number of inaccuracies stated as facts by her so called experts. I agree with what others have written that the way to truly gauge a news agency's reporting is to watch a report on a subject with which you are very familiar. After doing so, CNN gets an F-

Here's a copy of my email sent to CNN regarding this report:

I am writing to add what must be many negative comments you have received regarding your piece on Chinese adoption last night. I am surprised that CNN would spend valuable time reporting on an important issue and have it completely filled with inaccuracies. I'm shocked! The new restrictions outlined by China were fairly accurate however to have the "experts" focus on their presumed reasons why people choose to adopt from China and get it so wrong is shocking. Have any of these people ever known or spoken to an adoptive family?? Where did they get their facts?

Our family is in the process of adopting a child from China having begun the process in September 2005. Before we began we researched all available options including domestic private adoption and adoption through the foster care system. We chose the route that was best for our family and it had absolutely nothing to do with race, at all! It certainly was not in hopes of adopting a super child who would someday be a doctor!! That is ridiculous. Do you know what potential adoptive parents are put through in order to adopt in this country??? A couple can spend years and up to $100k advertising themselves to potential birthmothers in a giant beauty pageant, complete an adoption and then have the birthfather show up later to reclaim the child. The laws of many states really work against adoptive parents and have had a considerable chilling effect.

As far as adopting an African American child in the US this can be very difficult for a white family. Black social workers for years have stated very clearly their preference for black children to be placed with black families and have often held up adoptions of willing white couples. I believe many families who choose to adopt internationally have very little concern for race. In fact, adoption from Ethiopia is becoming extremely common with many families not just celebrities "who are doing the right thing."

Another point that was incorrect is that Americans will next be adopting from Muslim countries due to the availability of children there. Well, there may be many orphans but they are certainly not now nor will they ever become available for adoption. Adoption from Muslim countries at this time is impossible and very unlikely in the future. Get your facts straight, contact the state department.

Finally, I just want to state that after reading the transcript of the show I am utterly shocked and severely dismayed that CNN would portray potential and adoptive parents from asian countries as racists! Your so-called experts had no idea what they were talking about and quoted as facts things that were clearly and easily determined to be incorrect. I have lost all respect for CNN broadcasting and Paula Zahn's show and fact checkers and it makes me seriously question the validity of anything else I have seen on the show in the past. I have been a fairly frequent viewer of CNN and Zahn's show but after this shoddy reporting on a subject with which I am very familiar and informed any reporting by CNN will be seriously tainted.
Disgusting and disappointing for a news agency of this presumed caliber!

OK, so they did 19 days, not too exciting really. Supposedly 9/29/05 is a monster of a log in day. In any event we're now 140 LID's away from ours. If they continue to do approximately 19 days worth of LID's per referral batch, that would put us at 8 batches away from referral or maybe Sept/Oct. That would be great actually! I can't believe when we started the wait was 6-8 mos and now I'm thrilled at the prospect of a 20 month wait.

I sooooo wish that CCAA would update the Review Room. I'm sure our dossier has been reviewed but boy will it feel great when I can see it in print. We've been in there forever.

In the meantime, names I'm currently considering:

Georgianna Skye

Willow Rose

Zaida Rose --zay-duh

Chatelaine Rose (OK, I really like Rose as a middle name)

Lavender Elise

Feel free to comment on your fav!

One person's dream is another person's nightmare:

I admit it, I'm a blog, you tube junkie! I love to check out other people's blogs and follow their stories while in China. I always do the same thing--scroll down til I get to the Gotcha post so I can see the pix and then daydream about my own will-get-her-someday Gotcha Day. Then I read the rest.

BUT, I have to admit, I always look into the eyes of those beautiful little ones and wonder what they're thinking. They must be so confused and terrified. For many who have been in the orphanages, rather than foster care, it seems it must take a while for it to sink in. They're probably used to having many caretakers. At first, they probably think "OK, so you'll be feeding and changing me for awhile" a sort of "Today's caretaker to be played by --insert strange looking caucasion mom and dad here" --but then later when they come to the realization that their world has been turned upside down, it must be terrifying. I've read of many little ones being taken back to the hotels with their new families and the child searching the room for their mama. Looking and searching for the only people they've ever known and not being able to find them.

The ones who have been in foster care, it seems like they might catch on quicker that something's not right.

I recently read on the RQ about a family who adopted a 2 yr old. On Gotcha Day, the poor little girl was crying hysterically and speaking in Chinese. The family asked their guide to translate. The little girl was pleading "Please, I'll be good, take me back to my mommy. I'll be a good girl" over and over. It's heartwrenching. I have two boys, I remember when they were two, we were their whole world, their only understanding of safety and comfort.

Here is something I lifted from the net to try to make people understand the emotions that these kids must feel:

A Different Perspective

Imagine for a moment… You have met the person you’ve dreamed about all your life. He has every quality that you desire in a spouse. You plan for the wedding, enjoying every free moment with your fiancée. You love his touch, his smell, the way he looks into your eyes. For the first time in your life, you understand what is meant by “soul mate,” for this person understands you in a way that no one else does. Your heart beats in rhythm with his. Your emotions are intimately tied to his every joy, his every sorrow.

The wedding comes. It is a happy celebration, but the best part is that you are finally the wife of this wonderful man. You fall asleep that night, exhausted from the day’s events, but relaxed and joyful in the knowledge that you are next to the person who loves you more than anyone in the world…the person who will be with you for the rest of your life. The next morning you wake up, nestled in your partner’s arms. You open your eyes and immediately look for his face. But it’s not him! You are in the arms of another man. You recoil in horror. Who is this man?

Where is your beloved? You ask questions of the new man, but it quickly becomes apparent that he doesn’t understand you. You search every room in the house, calling and calling for your husband. The new guy follows you around, trying to hug you, pat you on the back. . .even trying to stroke your arm, acting like everything is okay. But you know that nothing is okay. Your beloved is gone. Where is he? Will he return? When? What has happened to him? Weeks pass. You cry and cry over the loss of your beloved. Sometimes you ache silently, in shock over what has happened. The new guy tries to comfort you. You appreciate his attempts, but he doesn’t speak your language-either verbally or emotionally. He doesn’t seem to realize the terrible thing that has happened...that your sweetheart is gone. You find it difficult to sleep. The new guy tries to comfort you at bedtime with soft words and gentle touches, but you avoid him, preferring to sleep alone, away from him and any intimate words or contact.

Months later, you still ache for your beloved, but gradually you are learning to trust this new guy. He’s finally learned that you like your coffee black, not doctored up with cream and sugar. Although you still don’t understand his bedtime songs, you like the lilt of his voice and take some comfort in it. More time passes. One morning, you wake up to find a full suitcase sitting next to the front door. You try to ask him about it, but he just takes you by the hand and leads you to the car. You drive and drive and drive. Nothing is familiar. Where are you? Where is he taking you?

You pull up to a large building. He leads you to an elevator and up to a room filled with people. Many are crying. Some are ecstatic with joy. You are confused. And worried. The man leads you over to the corner. Another man opens his arms and sweeps you up in an embrace. He rubs your back and kisses your cheeks, obviously thrilled to see you. You are anything but thrilled to see him. Who in the world is he? Where is your beloved? You reach for the man who brought you, but he just smiles (although he seems to be tearing up, which concerns you), pats you on the back, and puts your hand in the hands of the new guy. The new guy picks up your suitcase and leads you to the door. The familiar face starts openly crying, waving and waving as the elevator doors close on you and the new guy. The new guy drives you to an airport and you follow him, not knowing what else to do. Sometimes you cry, but then the new guy tries to make you smile, so you grin back, wanting to “get along.” You board a plane. The flight is long. You sleep a lot, wanting to mentally escape from the situation.

Hours later, the plane touches down. The new guy is very excited and leads you into the airport where dozens of people are there to greet you. Light bulbs flash as your photo is taken again and again. The new guy takes you to another guy who hugs you. Who is this one? You smile at him. Then you are taken to another man who pats your back and kisses your cheek. Then yet another fellow gives you a big hug and messes your hair. Finally, someone (which guy is this?) pulls you into his arms with the biggest hug you’ve ever had. He kisses you all over your cheeks and croons to you in some language you’ve never heard before. He leads you to a car and drives you to another location. Everything here looks different. The climate is not what you’re used to. The smells are strange. Nothing tastes familiar, except for the black coffee. You wonder if someone told him that you like your coffee black. You find it nearly impossible to sleep.

Sometimes you lie in bed for hours, staring into the blackness, furious with your husband for leaving you, yet aching from the loss. The new guy checks on you. He seems concerned and tries to comfort you with soft words and a mug of warm milk. You turn away, pretending to go to asleep. People come to the house. You can feel the anxiety start to bubble over as you look into the faces of all the new people. You tightly grasp the new guy’s hand. He pulls you closer. People smile and nudge one other, marveling at how quickly you’ve fallen in love. Strangers reach for you, wanting to be a part of the happiness. Each time a man hugs you, you wonder if he will be the one to take you away. Just in case, you keep your suitcase packed and ready. Although the man at this house is nice and you’re hanging on for dear life, you’ve learned from experience that men come and go, so you just wait in expectation for the next one to come along. Each morning, the new guy hands you a cup of coffee and looks at you expectantly. A couple of times the pain and anger for your husband is so great that you lash out, sending hot coffee across the room, causing the new guy to yelp in pain. He just looks at you, bewildered. But most of the time you calmly take the cup. You give him a smile. And wait. And wait. And wait.

How would each of us handle all these changes?
How would this impact us for the rest of our lives?

Word of the day:
bushwhacked: boosh-wak-t. verb, past tense meaning to attack suddenly from a place of concealment, ambush.


I think this should actually read Bush-whacked as in yowzah, the Republicans got a major smackdown from the Dems in the elections. Of course the main reason for this seems to be the US people's general disgust at the way our government is being handled by the Shrub (baby Bush for all who aren't in the know re: my own personal jargon). Its too bad so many of my fellow Americans have been walking around in a haze the last 6 yrs waving flags and choking down the lies that have been crammed down our throats over and over and over again. Let's go get Saddam--he's to blame for 9/11, they have WMD's, the Iraqi people want capitalism and will rush to greet us with open arms, vote Republican and bring back morality to our country, "Mission Accomplished", etc. Um NOT!!!

Make no mistake, this was not a pro-Dem vote, this was a we're-sick-of-Bush's-crap vote. This vote says: "We're sick of lining the pockets of the rich and keeping the elite (top .001%) of the American people living in uber-luxury as the regular folks (read this as "anyone who doesn't have a trust fund") incur federal debt at a level which will keep the US in the red until my grandkids have children while American jobs are being outsourced to whatever third world country is the cheapest. We're sick of being lied to at every turn by a man who thinks its folksy that he can't deliver a speech in intelligible english. A maverick who sends our military men and women into danger but showed up late or not at all for his own military service. A reckless attempt of a civil servant who has made the US appear as terrorists to rest of the civilized world." That's what this election result speaks to. Finally, people are experiencing an awakening and asking, "Why are we doing this?" Answer: So we can protect a bunch of oil interests. People, lots of them, are dying for OIL!!!

The result: the Democrats will now have a majority in both the Senate and the House and the icing on the cake??? A female Speaker of the House! Now, I don't really know too much about our soon to be Madam Speaker but aren't these interesting times?? What could be on the horizon?? a female president? POTUS Clinton II perhaps? Although I really do believe that the best person for the job is the person who should have the job regardless of gender--I can't help but turn up a little smile that a woman has finally attained this important position. I think its probably the same pride that the Catholics felt when JFK was elected, it just had never happened before.

So, what's on the horizon? Not sure. I'm hoping it will be better if even just a little tiny bit. Truth be told, although your reading of this may leave you thinking otherwise, I don't really feel in line with the DNC's platform. There's tons that the Dems stand for that I really don't. This may have some unpleasant results. But, just for today, I'm going to revel in the fact that Bush's obnoxious smirk has been at least partially and temporarily wiped from his smug face.

I've said it before and I'll probably say it again: I hated Bush when hating Bush wasn't cool. Finally, perhaps, the peaceful will inherit the earth.

YIPPEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Can you believe it!!!! They actually got up to the 25th!! This is really good news. I know it seems bizarre but the 23rd would have been horrible. Hardly anyone was logged in on those days and it would have represented a considerable slow down. The 24th is a huge log in day. There was even some talk that the day may be split for referrals but it wasn't and they actually were able to squeeze out one more day! What this means for us with a LID 2/13/06 is this: if they keep going at this rate we could get a referral as soon as the end of April 2007! That seems almost unbelievable as I have been setting myself up for a worst case scenario that's pretty bad (April 2008). Of course, things can slow down more, no doubt about it and I really think we're still looking at next fall but I can dream!!! At least at this point I feel somewhat confident that we may still travel next year and not be affected by the Olympics which was becoming a concern to me. No one knows for sure what will happen with IA during the Olympics but there is speculation that they may shut down completely for some time. I hope that doesn't happen to anyone but I really hope it doesn't happen to us!!!

Anyway, today is a good day! I can't wait to see the pix (probably tomorrow) of all those beautiful little faces. When I get to work 16 more paperclips will be coming off my paperclip calendar and the number of LID's before mine will be changed to 173. At least this is progress!

What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas!
Just got back earlier this evening from a quick 2 day trip to Las Vegas. It was actually very relaxing and enjoyable. We stayed at the Stratosphere --made reservations online. I was a little nervous cuz some of the reviews on tripadvisor.com were not good at all but decided to give it a try due to really cheap price --$49 per night! Con: had to wait in line 30 mins to check in then clerk told us our cheap rate room was not available but we could "upgrade" to another room for $10 more per night. Bobby told them to get the manager, 30 seconds later we had the "upgraded" room for same price. Pro: the room was great! It had obviously been very recently refurbished with all new furniture, drapes, etc., was extremely clean, and was really big! View left a lot to be desired but overall a fantastic value.

Next morning woke up early and went to the new Wynn Hotel. OH MY GOD!!! Can you say Gorgeous?!?! Really a beautiful hotel. The decor is so fun and at the same time unpredictable and classy. I was really impressed. We had the buffet breakfast there, yum!!! Then off to the Sands Convention Center I went.

My original purpose in going to LV was to attend the Memory Trends convention, that's scrapbooking folks. This is not a retail event, its for distributors to try to sell to the retailers. Lots of fun to see what's up and coming, got some freebies, made some neat little make and takes. Bobby went gambling on his own for about 4 hrs!

Bobby picked me up and we had a quick midday snack of chips and guacamole in the cafe at the MGM. Food was really tasty, service sucked. Another table of customers actually yelled to get the attention of our server which earned them merely an over the shoulder glance. I quickly waved both arms as if stopping traffic and he slowly trudged over. Like I said, service sucked!!!

Then, that evening, we went to the MGM to see KA!! Again, the show received mixed reviews on tripadvisor. However, we saw Mystere last year and so enjoyed it that I was willing to plunk down the $125 per ticket to see the show. We absolutely loved it!!! and from the response of the audience, we were not alone. Really a must see.

Dinner at the MGM buffet was not as impressive. We spent almost $60 for the two of us and waited in line for about 40 mins! When we were finally seated, we found the dining room to be only about 1/2 full. Uh, hello, what were we waiting for? The waitress sucked, couldn't get a refill on the soda to save my life even though she didn't look at all busy or in a hurry-- and the food gets an unenthusiastic B-/C+. A huge disappointment.

Next day, was our last. Decided to head over to the Paris hotel buffet. That hotel is really pretty. Kind of a long line for breakfast but it was worth it. Service and food both get an A. The crepes are to die for!!!

After breakfast it was time to come home. Not a bad drive --3 hrs, 15 mins. Would have been quicker if it wasn't for the construction traffic signs. Please note, I did not say actual construction traffic, couldn't see any real construction or workers, just the signs. That seemed to be enough to bring the traffic to a complete halt for over 1/2 hr. In any event made it home safe and sound, fun trip.

Overall pros: hardly thought about adoption, ate some really yummy food, enjoyed hanging out with Bobby, saw some REALLY cute little asian girls there in restaraunts and stuff. Dream, dream, dream. Cons: sucky service at MGM and having to come home. Could have done one more day, no problem.

Well I did it!!!!
After feeling really pretty depressed about the whole adoption "thing" for about the last 2 months, I think I finally dragged myself out of the murk. I had stopped making plans and doing things with the sad belief that maybe the adoption would never happen for us. I've decided to have a more positive outlook (not sure how long this will last) and wanted to started "doing" something. So, I did what I'm good at, I shopped!!! I'd been eyeing the beautiful iron cribs by Corsican for quite awhile but they are oh so pricey --more expensive than either my first or second cars LOL! I did find what I believe to be a much more affordable option, extremely sturdy, beautiful and you can take the side off of it and use as a toddler bed for those in between years.

When I went in to the store to purchase, I found that they were discontinuing the crib and so it was on SALE!!! My favorite word! So I bought it!!! Decided to get the additional pieces to finish out the room. Two bookcases and a small chest and the beautiful doll cabinet. The chest is going to be placed between the two bookcases to create a single unit arrangement to house books, toys, etc. The doll cabinet was a splurge and she can use it for whatever little keepsakes she wants.

So there you go! The wood pieces were ordered and should be at the store in around 3 weeks but they have this great layaway program where they will hold onto the furniture for up to 6 months!

I'm excited to do something that is forward thinking and will eventually need to be done but a little apprehensive. What if something happens? I cannot even imagine anything more depressing than having a finished nursery and no hopes of a baby to put in it. I can wait a long time if need be and I'm hoping that there is a glimmer of light at the end of this apparently very long tunnel.

This is the crib, its by Childcraft:


~~~~~~~~~~~******~~~~~~~~~~~
You can't tell really well from this pic but on the scrolly parts, the silver is rubbed with gold which really gives it that aged look. The great thing about going with a metal colored crib is that there is basically no concern with bedding having a white or cream or other color background. Metallics go with everything!
~~~~~~~~~~~******~~~~~~~~~~~~


All the wood pieces are from Stanley's Young America line. Really nice quality and super well made.

These are the bookcases:
(I will post the pic soon, Blogger buggy again)


~~~~~~~~~~******~~~~~~~~~~
Not too fancy but fancy enough. They're flat on the sides so they can group with the little 3 drawer chest to create a single unit. I tried to post a pic of the chest but Blogger's being buggy. Anyway, the chest is only about as high as a desk and will fit between. I have this neat really old mirror from like the 40's that I'm going to hang about the chest. It should be placed so that Baby Girl can stand up and look at herself in it from her crib!

...and the doll cabinet:

~~~~~~~~~~~~~******~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I adore this piece of furniture. Again, not over the top girly or so ornate that it will be too precious in a couple years. I'm not sure if she'll even want dolls. I sure didn't when I was a little girl. I was pure tomboy and its sure ok with me if she is also. But, all little girls (and boys for that matter) have little keepsakes.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~******~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The Amish School shooting:
The senseless violence in the last few days has gotten me thinking. It has created much soul searching for many, I know.

The world can be and always has been a very violent and dangerous place. There is no time in history when people have not expressed their concerns at the violence in society and question whether children should still be brought into the world, etc. Read the history books, these discussions have taken place since the middle ages, in colonial society, through the industrial revolution, flapper days and certainly in the heyday of apparent safey –the 50’s. There has always been tremendous violence committed upon the weak in our society including women, children, handicapped, mentally ill, and the poor. Murder, rape and abuse is a condition of the human race.

Small towns, big cities, doesn’t matter. A person can be the unfortunate victim of a crime anywhere. That’s the part that is so frustrating and scary. What bothers me is the fact that we are all so plugged in to the media that sensationalizes everything that we live with a constant undertow of terror.

Yes, you should definitely take reasonable precautions to protect yourself and your children. You should wait with them at bus stops, you should walk them to the bathroom, you should utilize the buddy system, etc. You should also teach your children to recognize a potentially dangerous situation and provide them with some tools for protecting themselves. But if the Amish school shooting can teach us anything, it should be that no matter how insular your community and how great your efforts are to close yourself off from all that is potentially bad, the bad people can still come get you. Sad, I know, to be so out of control of the evil in some other people. But a fact.

All you can do is protect yourself and your family the best you can and hope for the best. I know that seems awfully passive and I’m not a passive person by nature, but “safety” for the most part is a perception.

It is a world filled with danger but for the most part, we’re safe from the most extreme forms. Most people will live their whole lives without having a crazed killer come into their personal lives. But we will not be immune to all crime. Almost everyone at some point in their lives will be affected (either personally or familialy) by an act of violence.

But, you can’t live your life waiting for it.

I have been "tagged" by someone to do a "meme" --basically what this means is you answer questions about yourself on your blog. If you're reading this, please also consider yourself "tagged" then post a comment with a link to let me know and I'll come visit!

Here goes:

*Your child's Chinese name (assuming s/he has or will have one)…areyou a) using it as a middle name, b) using it as a first name or c)not using it at all? Why?
I am in charge of the naming, Bobby said I could!!! Pretty much, I've decided Chinese names, 2nd and 3rd, combined as second middle name. Therefore: Zaida Rose ChineseName Crowell

Red threads - yes or no? Discuss.
Not a big believer in Red Threads or people being "meant to be together" at all. I do believe that we will receive the baby that it is perfect for our family because we will love her and accept her unconditionally and then we will never be able to imagine life without her as our daugher. I have developed a fondness for ladybugs but I don't really think they're lucky, just cute!

*What are you most looking forward to experiencing with your child/what do you most enjoy doing with your child?
I'd have to say all of it. We already have two kids and so I often think fondly of the things we will be able to experience again ie. tricycles, singing Disney songs in the car, making cookies, bedtime stories, first day of school, AYSO soccer, school projects and field trips... Yeah!!! I'm also looking forward to some things that will be new with a daughter like pink clothes, hair bows, and dolls!!!

*Have you been reading a lot of adoption books? Any recommendations?
Not a lot. I have read A Passage to the Heart, 1/2 of Wanting a Daughter Needing a Son (I want to finish but its very dry and academic) and, of course, every single post on APC for over a year!!! I also read Chinese Cinderella which is not an adoption book but very interesting.

*What will/do you miss most about your life pre-parenthood?
Well, we've been parents for 18 years so I can't even remember what life was like "pre-parenthood" --however, although I don't know if I'll miss it, jumping into the car to accomplish anything will be more difficult.

*Have you started your nursery, or are you waiting until the timegets closer?
We haven't started but I certainly know what I want it to look like. I'm actually thinking about making the bedding myself since it looks like we'll have so much time but may chicken out. I guess we're waiting til things get a little closer.

*Lifebook - excited to start or terrified of screwing it up?
Of the two options I would say I'm more excited to start than afraid of screwing it up. I've followed the yahoo lifebook site and I believe very strongly that it will be something I will do. Plus, I'm a scrapbooker.

*What hobby do you secretly hope your child will take up and love?
Playing an instrument. But mostly I just hope she finds something she is passionate about. Both my boys have chosen sports and activities I would have never chosen for them but I have grown to enjoy watching.

*Co-sleeping - "well of course" or "maybe but I just don't see any ofus would sleep"?
I don't think co-sleeping is something for our family. I reserve final judgment til she's actually here.

*If you'd had sole choice of your child's name (assuming you didn't),would it have been different? Wanna tell us what?
I have sole choice. Bobby said pick a name then tell him what it is and how to spell and pronounce it and he'll be fine with it.

*Are your family and friends really supportive of your decision toadopt?
Yes, very supportive. I have had a few weird comments but I don't believe any were intended to be unkind.

*What is your biggest fear while in China?
My biggest fear is that we will be referred a child that has severe health issues. I really feel for adoptive parents who arrive to find a child that has life-altering health issues. There but for the grace...

*In the movie of your life, who plays you?
If I'm the casting director I'm going to take some serious artistic license and choose.... Julia Roberts!!!

*Sleeping. Light on, light off?
Whatever, I fall asleep so fast it doesn't matter to me LOL!!!

*China - experiment with food or not?
I'm pretty experimental. There are some things I won't eat ie. rats, cats, dogs, intestines.

*Are you planning on learning some Chinese?Maybe a few helpful phrases.
Actually, I purchased the Pimsleur CD's then took a class at a local community college. Its fun but hard. I stopped listening to the CD due to my general depression over lengthening referrals but I've been feeling better lately and I think I'm ready to start again.

*Will this be your only adoption?
Almost undoubtedly. I wish we could adopt again but its very unlikely.

*To bow or not to bow?
Oh yes, I love the hairbows!!! I'm planning on doing the great big ones for as long as she'll let me. There will be only a very short time when I'll be able to dress her however I want. Oh joy!!!

*What about the 100 wishes quilt?
Definitely. Already started and because I belong to the OHGWQ group I'm planning on making an ABC and a World quilt as well. I've actually taken up quilting with my mom. Way fun!!!

*Favorite vacation destination?
The best place for a family vacation is Hawaii. Its slow, you don't have to dress up unless you want to and everyone speaks english so its easy.

*What TV show are you most looking forward to starting this fall?
I will admit it, I love TV! I want to see Survivor (which just started--groups divided by race, very interesting social experiment), Lost (dumb, I know, but we're addicted) and when the heck does American Idol start up again???

*Patient? Not Patient?I think I am, but the Goobie (quickly) says Not.
Good lord, no. Not at all, not even one little tiny itty bitty bit.

*Favorite sport to watch?
Basketball. Jeez I hope the Lakers do better this year. Can't stand Kobe but I have to root for the hometown team.

*Chocolate or Vanilla?
Ummm... strawberry.

*What's your favorite China adoption blog?
Probably my own. I always feel so much better after I write in it. People I know have read it, its weird to have people you know seeing my inside thoughts.

*Finally what is your guess for how far they will get with referrals this month?
I'm going with the RQ rumor, 8/15. If so I will have 183 more LIDs before mine.

PROGRESS AT LAST!!

I cannot explain the thrill I feel that at least we know that the CCAA is looking at the 2006 dossiers!!! There have been rumors for a few weeks that families logged in in Jan and Feb had been getting calls for additional info. So far, we haven't heard a thing and I'm hoping we don't!! I'm crossing my fingers that we sail through and don't need any additional medical info. We had such a problem with our doctor last time I can't even imagine if we had to go back to him for something.

Unfortunately, although I am a confirmed slave to the Rumor Queen site, it appears that the leaky faucets and loose lips that were a prior source of information about upcoming referral cutoffs, etc are no longer talking. In the words of someone, the CCAA is now "hermetic" with little to no info coming out. However, there was a rumor a day or so ago that perhaps referrals would go through 8/15 --since the last cutoff was 7/22 that would be a very exciting 24 days of referrals!!! That may actually sound better than it is because apparantly there are very, very few LIDs in the first part of August. But, for someone like me, with a 2/13/06 LID, I'm just hoping to get through as many days as possible. There are presently 207 LIDs to be matched before ours, so 24 days would bring us down to 183. That would feel really good and may even make me feel like this thing is possible. Lately, I've really felt like down about the whole situation and have been feeling like its never going to happen.

Today, for the second day in a row, I played hookie from work. I woke up yesterday morning, showered and got ready to go to work and then thought, "umm no, I don't think so." So I stayed home. It was wonderful, so wonderful in fact, that I repeated it today!!! What did I do with my free time you may ask??? Not a thing. Well, I did manage to make it out to Ross and I found the cutest little outfit for Baby Girl. It has very soft black corduroy pants with flowers ebroidered at the hem, a light pink t shirt and the cutest little pink overjacket with black and white zebra print lining!!! I got a 12 mos. I haven't purchased too many outfits but this one was too great to pass up.... $12.99!!!

OK, well off to bed I go now, gotta go to work tomorrow, or do I??????

Brett turned 18 today!!!! Wow, what a strange feeling. He is legally, if not emotionally, an adult. Presumed to know the difference between right and wrong and expected by the government to be responsible for his actions. Hmmm. Did something change between yesterday and today? He had to register for the Selective Service aka The Draft. That was depressing. I love the way they've PC'd it --Selective Service makes it sound like something so special, you have the opportunity to be selected to serve.

We are deep into college planning mode. So many decisions to be made and the outcome is primarily out of our control. I mean, yes we're in control of which schools to apply to and making sure that everything is done on time, etc. But its the outcome that is so uncertain. It seems to be the story of our lives at this point in time. Try, try, try and hopefully something will pan out. I hate "hoping" --it seems so passive. I want to be able to do something about it, to control the outcome. But, I guess I need to recall the Alcoholics Prayer:

Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can; and
the wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;
enjoying one moment at a time;
accepting hardship as the pathway to peace.

Ok, I know I'm an atheist and not an alcoholic but still its good advice, right? "Accept the things I cannot change" --ummm how do you know they cannot be changed until you try? When do you know you've tried enough? I guess that's where the "wisdom to know the difference" comes into play. The second verse strikes me as very "asian" --honestly, I think it could be one of those chinese poems --the idea that a person must accept and perhaps even welcome hardship as a part of life and a requirement to peace. I don't know about that. Does finding peace require walking a difficult path? Maybe we don't have the ability to recognize peace or happiness until after we have experienced restlessness and sadness. Not sure.

I am trying so hard not to live in the future. I want to avoid spending so much time thinking about where I'm trying to get that I forget to think about today. But its hard.

The Official "Not-so-Great

Wait"

From, and including: Monday, February 13, 2006 (LID)
To, but not including : Wednesday, September 6, 2006

We have been officially waiting:
~~205 days from LID to today, not including today

In other words:

~~6 months, 24 days, or

~~29 weeks (rounded down), or

~~4920 hours, or

~~295,200 minutes, or

~~17,712,000 seconds.

YAHOOO!!! I am pleased to announce that Brett has completed his Eagle Scout project! Not that he waited til the last minute or anything but all requirements must be completed before he turns 18 --boys scouts by definition must be "boys" not 18 year old young men. And when does he turn 18 you may ask???? That's right, about a day and a half from now. He has been exactly one Eagle Scout project away from being an Eagle Scout for almost 2 years. There has been quite a bit of butt kicking going on in our house to make sure he finished it, but it worked!

So, I realize that many of you who are reading this don't really know me but let it be said, I am a wimpy girlie girl. Proud of it too! I detest hard physical labor with a passion. I do like to plant flowers but mostly I like purchasing them and deciding where they go. Usually I plant a couple then Bobby finishes up while I go get cold beverages, cuz like I said, I'm a wimp. OK, now that you have a visual, I tell my story:

Saturday morning we all wake up at around 6 am (hello!!! its a holiday weekend and its, you know, Saturday!!!) rush around to get ready and meet over at the church by 7 am. We end up with a couple helpers cuz like I said, holiday weekend. After making about 20 U turns to try to figure out the detours we make it up to Sky Forest in Lake Arrowhead. It was beautiful but by 11 oclock or so, it was hot!! About 90 degrees. Then began 6-1/2 hours of torturous work. We had to dig 22 holes with post hole diggers, set these huge 10 foot long fence posts with cross bars 11x14 feet, and concrete them in. It was hard. Using a post hole digger is really hard. I dug about 6 of those holes about 18-24 inches deep and I have to tell you, I thought I would die. My chest muscles were so sore the next day I felt like I'd done a quadrillion "I must, I must, I must increase my bust" exercises.

Brett worked really hard and I think he's learned a lot from this experience about organization, etc. Casey was a total trooper, he worked so hard and never whined. I was really proud of them both.

Although throughout the day I did have my doubts as to whether or not the job would be completed in one day, we did finish. Now all Brett has left is the Eagle board of review then it is finished!!! Now we need to get Casey going on finishing up his Eagle stuff. Brett's next step, college applications. Eeeek!!!

This graphic suits my mood perfectly! I am holding on to hope but it is sometimes very tough. My agency's new waiting child list came out this week and I looked at it very seriously. I've looked at all the lists before but have never felt a real connection to any particular child. (Of course, there was this one beautiful little boy that caught my eye once, he was gorgeous, those eyes... but, I already have two beautiful boys, I WANT A GIRL!). Anyway, so I searched the list and found not one but two beautiful little girls whose special needs I felt were something we could handle successfully! I thought and thought about them both, even had a friend's doctor husband look at their medical files (thank you Terrence) and read for hours about their conditions on the internet. Bobby and I talked about it a lot but finally, we decided, it just wasn't right for us at this time. I know that both those precious little girls are going to be snatched up by families that feel that they are perfect for them and I wish them long lives of health and happiness.

So, as always, I hold on to hope that someday--hopefully sooner rather than later-- we will find our little girl. The one that's meant to be ours forever. Maybe we will find her on an upcoming waiting child list or maybe we will have to wait for CCAA but I do think there is a precious little chinese baby girl out there who is waiting for us to be her family, or at least there will be. For now I'm hanging on to that thin red thread with all my might, hoping that the time will pass by quickly and we will find Baby Girl before the darn thread snaps in two.

"Between the wish and the thing,
life lies waiting."

~Unknown

Well, referrals came out yesterday, 9 stinking days. After the initial shock and awe I pulled another 9 paperclips off my paperclip calendar and changed my sign to 207 more LID's to be referred til mine. Ouch.

Found this on another blog:

We wait
while the snow clings
and the seeds sleep
and the earth turns.
*
We wait
while the heart sings
and the eyes weep
and the mind churns.
*
We wait
while the soul learns
that the love's deep.
So the hope springs,
as the dream burns
and the days creep
till the phone rings-
*
And she waits-

"How are you today?"
After one of the more stressful work mornings I've had in awhile, I quickly went around the drive through at the local McDonalds so I could stuff my face with some comfort food before racing off to my afternoon appearance (also guaranteed to be a nightmare). I was pretty much in my own little world-- turning up the air and fiddling with the radio while snapping my pink Razor shut as I ended a frustrating call with my son. Then, all of a sudden, there it was... the question.

It was posed by the young girl who stood beyond the window while she was placing the lid on the cup of my oh-so-desired Diet Coke. She was cute with her hair pulled back and neatly hidden under her McCap-- about 17 years old I'd reckon, if I was the "reckoning" sort. The way she asked left me with the impression that she didn't have a care in the world. That may not have been true. She may have had lots of stress gurgling behind that 17 year old smile. She may have had boyfriend problems, she may have been worried about failing highschool or not getting into the right college. She could have had horrendous family problems. Don't know. But, back to the question...

"How are you today?" she asked.

My immediate (and thankfully internal) response was "well, if you really want to know... its pretty tough here in Susanland. I'm under more pressure at this time of my life and feeling more out of control than I ever have, ever. I'm bombarded by work, parents, kids, and adoption frustrations. I'm part of the sandwich generation and I'M GETTING THE SQUEEZE! I FEEL TIRED ALL THE TIME AND SLEEP DOESN'T FIX IT!!! I'M READY TO JUMP OUT OF MY SKIN AND NOT JUMP BACK IN!!! I'M..."

"Fine, thank you" I responded, exuding calm.

I think I even managed a smile.

Its been a tough week or so. On 8/2/06 my father in law finally lost his 2 year battle with cancer. I'm going to miss him. I was going to post about it earlier, but haven't felt up to it, maybe I will later.

On the adoption front, we are now at 180 days past LID. The current wait time has increased to 13 mos and appears to be getting longer and longer. When we originally started this process, the wait was 6 mos, now some worst case scenarios have the wait stretching to 3 years!!! I think the worst case scenarios are just that "worst case" but still. The end of July referrals went through 7/13, let's hope CCAA can get through even one day of August. Even if waits stabilize meaning they start doing 30 days at a time, we would not have a referral until 2/07 and if they continue doing half months it would be August or September of 2007. Travel would likely be around Thanksgiving 2007!! That requires a serious adjustment to expectations. When we began this process, I was amusing myself with thoughts of having Baby Girl home by Christmas of this year.

The boards are filled with comments about the situation-- anger, frustration. Some people are choosing to shorten the wait by going with a Waiting Child. It may not really be intentional, it just may be that this excrutiating wait has allowed people a lot of extra time to sort through the Waiting Child lists to find the child that is perfect for them. Some are seriously considering changing programs. I continue to check the Waiting Child lists each time my agency gets one, but have not yet found our future child there. I have investigated changing programs but that does not seem like a good option for us at this time.

Korea~ rumor is they're not taking any more applications with the plan to phase out their IA program all together.

Vietnam ~was shut down a long time and just reopened. Not really too sure about this one yet. The first referrals since the program reopening are just coming home.

Russia~ seems to be having lots of problems.

Kazakstan (sp?) ~it has that 5 week in country plus I'm not very knowledgeable about the process.

Guatemala ~very expensive, seems to be going through some growing pains.

So, yeah, that brings us back to China. Not only that but I have become so China adoption focused that its hard for me to even "think outside the box" on this one. I just feel very strongly that my daughter is there. I so hope I'm right.

Today is probably the most down I've felt since the beginning of this process. We're on day 155 since LID and there is absolutely no end in sight. The wait appears to be increasing to the point where with each day that passes we get 2 days further away from a possible referral. There's lots of talk about the wait stretching out to 18 mos, 24 mos, or even longer!! What this means, among other things, is that we would be required to redo our immigration forms at a cost of about $1500 plus update our homestudy (don't know what this will cost yet). Other costs will likely follow. Besides the cost, I wonder at what point we will determine that this plan will not be feasible for our family. When do we say "enough is enough?" I know we're not there yet and waiting an extra year sucks but is still doable. But at some point, if the wait times continue to increase to ridiculous times, we may need to reconsider. As I type those words I feel the tears start. I've pretty much had a pit in my stomach all day long. I want so badly to be Baby Girl's mommy. I have already invested so much into this process and I'm not talking money. The things that have kept me going the last few months ie. shopping and planning for nursery decor, looking at names, reading other's blogs, surfing the yahoo groups, etc. just don't seem to be alleviating the stress of "the wait." I think it must be a common feeling because the number of posts on the groups per day has really decreased.

I can only imagine how much more difficult this must be for couples who do not yet have children. Some people have suffered through years of infertility and failed domestic and international adoptions. I experience my own sadness and know that theirs must be ten-fold. But, for today, I guess I don't have enough room at my pity party to invite them

Today's a bad day.

I am worth $1,696,578 on HumanForSale.com

Apparantly. Interestingly, I got a $2500 increase in value for watching TV "often" --that's kind of weird.

Your Blogging Type Is Thoughtful and Considerate

You're a well liked, though underrated, blogger. You have a heart of gold, and are likely to blog for a cause. You're a peaceful blogger - no drama for you! A good listener and friend, you tend to leave thoughtful comments for others.

What's Your Blogging Personality?

I love this graphic, its just so cute! Our DTC group has started a weekly book club, sort of. Each week a new children's book is posted. Many people don't have any children's books yet so its a good way for them to get started. But, for me, its a way to learn about some new books and authors. I'm a book lover, for sure.

Reading to my boys was such a big part of their childhood. Every evening after their bath we would sit down and read books. Over and over. Dr Seuss and some of my other fav's The Owl and the Pussycat, Can't you Sleep Little Bear, and these funny little Patrick books. Of course, there were those nights when it was like, ok, let's read the shortest book possible. That's when you go straight for the one-minute-bedtime-story book LOL! Then, as children do, they got older and they would read to me. Bedtime story became less and less frequent until it stopped all together. Now, I can hardly get my kids to give me a nod when I come in the door. They're busy, doing their own thing and, on one hand, that's good. They're becoming adults and gaining independence, separating themselves a little so they can go out and live their own lives. But it makes me sad.

Thing is, even though I enjoyed evening story time for the most part, I also sometimes thought of it as drudgery. I didn't really feel like doing it all the time. Not just story time but lots of the little kid stuff. I didn't realize then what I realize now, which is, kids are only little for such a short time. Enjoy it!!!

I can't wait to read stories to Baby Girl.

Today was Father's Day. Its a day that, throughout my life, I have paid very little attention to. I've never really had a father--Mother's Day has always been the biggie in my life. I've spent most of my life thinking that having a male parental unit didn't matter and it wasn't really necessary for one's happiness. I've always thought, and said, that I was so glad that in my life I had no father rather than a crappy one. So many of the people I've known have had fathers who were drunks, or creeps, or whatever.

I'm starting to question my long held beliefs. I'm not sure if its because I see how lucky my kids are to have a "dad" or if it has something to do with the amount of thought I've given to my future daughter never knowing her birthparents. Its possible that its merely related to my general sad state about all the things in my life over which I have no control. In any event, much has been written and discussed on the online groups about how our children will more than likely feel a sense of loss associated with never knowing their birthparents or having any information about them. I suppose if we're making comparisons that, on one hand, I'm way ahead of the game. I know and have met the person who contributed 50% of my DNA. I can look in the mirror and see the evidence--my very fair skin and very dark hair. So I have a "father"--I'm grounded in my sense of heredity. But I never had a "dad." The sperm donor left my life just after I entered kindergarten so he never really learned anything about me, or me about him. He didn't witness my sorrow in the sad times of my life or share in my joy at the highpoints. So even though I have the visual, the shell, there's nothing really of substance to the memory. Who is he? Who was he? I don't know.

Baby Girl will never have a "father" --she will never have a photo or a visual memory of either of her birthparents. She will never be able to look into the mirror and see a resemblance to someone who's come before. But, she will have a "dad." She will have someone to read her stories, pick her up when she cries, sit in the front row at her school holiday program, and cheer for her from the sidelines of her chosen sport.

To me it seems abundantly clear that having a "dad" is immeasurably better than having just a "father." There are some people who do not share this opinion. Many anti adoption people and, yes, they do exist, think that the biological connection is paramount. That it is paramount to happiness to share genes with a known entity.

I wonder what Baby Girl will think.

New Yahoo Group! Hello all. I've done it! I have been so enjoying participating in the OHGWQ --One Hundred Good Wishes Quilt yahoo group. For a while I've been thinking about starting a similar type group to swap themed scrapbook pages. So the other day, I did it. Donna, a fellow waiting mom, had put together this logo when I proposed Ladybug Hunters as a name for our DTC group. The group ended up going with a different name but when I decided to start the group I emailed Donna and asked if it would be OK if I used the logo. Not only did she say "yes" but she became my first official member! For anyone who's interested in getting more info you can check out the group at this address:
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/LadybugHuntersScrapbookingClub/

Lordy, lordy, look who's 40!!! That's right, its me. Ok, so I've heard 40 is the new 30. Truthfully, I don't feel a darn bit different. But, I am 40 nonetheless. I'm certainly happier now than I was when I was 30 --I'm just older. More gray hair to contend with.

When I think about these ever increasing wait times, which latest worst case scenarios place at possible 18 mos, I start to think about how old we're going to be when she gets here. With Brett and Casey, we were the young parents, always. Now, we will be those old parents. The ones that people talk to and when they walk away the conversation goes on stating or guessing at our advanced ages. Egads!

Anyway, happy birthday to me.

BROWN ENVELOPE!!! My goodness, what a plain thing it looks to be. I'll try to post a pic if I can. I really had decided we were not going to get one. It seemed like the only people still getting them were LID after ours but there it was in the mailbox, waiting for me when I got home!!!

Also, today marks exactly 100 days since we were LID. Everyone on the online groups seems pretty depressed about the wait times stretching out. Interestingly, I believed the rumors last week. So I have had a whole week to get used to the idea. I'm not happy but I am resigned to wait however long it takes. I know it will happen. There's also a rumor on the Dec DTC site that someone with a 12/05 LID was asked for additional information. Its plausible that Dec is in the review room now. If true, it would mean that we're getting close to review ourselves.

I want Baby Girl here.

Well, today it has been exactly 60 days since our LID. Assuming a 12 month, 365 day wait until referral, we are 16-1/2% of the way through. We will be 25% there on May 15th~~ 50% there on August 13th and 75% there on Nov 13th. That's the way I plan on wading through this wait, one day closer at a time!!

This is a picture of my "word cloud" ~~they are really fun to make. I guess you can order T~shirts and stuff too but I just thought I'd post it here.

WE HAVE A LID!!!! REMEMBER THE DATE, MARK IT ON YOUR CALENDAR, THIS IS IT!!! DRUM ROLL PLEASE...... FEBRUARY 13, 2006 !!!!!!!!

I have chosen to type in pink today to match my "tickled pink" mood!!!! Honestly, I cannot believe it. I have been checking the boards numerous times per day for at least 6 weeks waiting to hear some news. In fact, I feel sorry for those who have to hang out with me. I've been mopey and uncharacteristically quiet (at times). Yesterday, I was so busy at work and completely distracted by an issue that had taken place with Brett that I had no time. I came in to work super early (for me that's 5 o'clock folks) and decided to relax for a few minutes with my morning yogurt and BAM!!! I read that we have our LID's. The post came out on the agency site yesterday at around noon.

I had a very strong suspician that our LID was going to be Valentine's Day. There were many reasons for this. I had been keeping close track of the DTC vs. LID of others and their various agency policies re: when and how they translate, etc. Plus, I just thought how fun it would be to be LID on heart day but I am thrilled to have it even one day earlier than expected. If CCAA continues to send our partial month referrals, that one day could affect our referral by a month. And, if they ever speed up a little and go back to even 1/2 months at least we're in the first half of the month. There is a website isorumors.blogspot.com written by a women who calls herself the Rumor Queen. She is carefully documenting the referral process to try to figure out all sorts of things us waiting parents are interested in like... How long will referrals actually take? What exactly has caused the slowdown? Is CCAA really still referring out as many children as before? etc, etc, etc. She says her most recent info is that the referral process should not extend past the 12 month mark. That would mean that our referral (when you get the picture and medical info) would come in by Feb 2007 and we would likely be traveling to China around April 2007. I really hope her rumors are correct. I can live with that. Late last week there were rumors floating around that the referral process might actually extend to 18 months!!! OUCH!!! Let's hope the old rumors are wrong and the new rumors are right.

Anyway, we are "officially" 47 days into our wait for Baby Girl!!! If the 12 month timeline is correct we would have 318 days left to wait until we receive a picture of our daughter. Wow!!! Plus on the weird-things-to-think-about side this means that somewhere in China, a birthmother is likely carrying the little girl that will someday be our child. The babies are an average of 11 mos old at referral meaning with a Feb referral she would be born in April, that's next month.... It is possible that she's already been born but she definitely exists in one form or another. Plays with the brain.

Today has not been a great day for the CAC (Chinese Adopting Community). Why? you may ask. Well, it's referral time and it's not looking good. I was reading back my post from 2/18 and noticed that at that time I was reporting that referrals were to cover LID's 5/13/05 -->?? Those question marks turned out to be 5/25. OUCH!! Only 10 days of referrals. When we started this process in September 2005 referrals came out about once a month and referred about a month of LID's. Sometimes more, sometimes a little less. Today, the rumor mill is now quoting that March referrals will only cover LID's 5/26-5/30 or maybe 5/31. Bigger ouch!!! It really seems as though the entire process has coming to a screeching halt. There's lots of speculation as to why this may be the case ie. abnormally huge, historic level high dossiers in May, the Hunan baby trafficking problems, etc. It seems like maybe its a combination of things. But, whatever it is, it is completely outside of my control. Realization of that fact did not stop me from feeling pretty sad today. I had put in my mind a worse case scenario of Feb 2007 for travel. My worst case scenario needs to be amended. It could be April or even later... I know that it will eventually happen and I'm trying to look on the bright side and see the positives of more time but still the uncertainty of it all does get to me sometimes. Today is one of those times.

I posted to my Yahoo group a list of potential positives for having a longer wait. Among them were:
1. More time to work on my Mandarin
2. More time to save money for trip and SHOPPING
3. More time to work on nursery and shop for baby items
4. More time to learn to quilt well enough that I actually make the Good Wishes Quilt and have it ready by the time that Baby Girl gets here
5. More time to read all the adoption related books I've purchased and am still interested in.
6. If we don't travel til summer there would be no reason for Brett to not make the trip with us!! (This is the only one I really like)

I could go on but you get the point. The problem with the list is each "positive" generally starts with "more time" which, of course, means more time waiting, waiting for Baby Girl. Like I said, I'm kinda down. Sorry if you were looking for a little pick me up, it's not happening here today.

100 Good Wishes Quilt: I have been told, there is a tradition in parts of China that in order to give a child a good start in life, a quilt is created from fabrics provided by friends and family. Each of these fabrics are supposed to represent a good wish for the child's future. It is very popular in the Chinese adoption community to create these 100 good wishes quilts. The way its done is that people send a 8" or so square of fabric along with a wish for the child's future. The squares are made into a quilt and the wishes are saved in an album along with a small scrap of the fabric for a keepsake. I think it is a lovely tradition. Because it is difficult, if not impossible, for some people to collect the squares just from friends and as an additional bond within DTC groups, swaps are often conducted. In fact, there is an entire yahoo group devoted to the quilts called OHGWQ "One Hundred Good Wishes Quilts" --I am, not surprisingly, a member!!!

Let's just start by saying, I know nothing about quilting. However, I was convinced by a Joann's employee that if I took the Quilting 1, 2, and 3 classes --a total of 12 hours of instruction--I would learn enough to be able to make a simple quilt for Baby Girl myself. So, here goes. I signed up this Saturday and will begin in a few weeks. Meanwhile I've been collecting the fabrics and wishes from others and went out and purchased some fabric of my own to share. As you can see it is pink, of course, and has little garden type pix on it. Some people do fancy wishcards and others are very simple. I decided it would be fun to do something a little involved and VOILA!!! pictured is my creation. It took me about 7 hours to make about 21 of them. I got lots quicker as I moved along. But, it was fun. I wanted something kind of special. Now we'll just have to see how this quilting thing comes along.

I'm going to purchase fabrics for the class quilt cuz I figure I'll make lots of mistakes. Then, by the time I'm ready to make the real thing, it should be quite a bit better. Let's all keep our fingers crossed. The pic is of one of the fabrics I chose to send out and the wish which reads:

I wish you Health,
So you may enjoy each day in comfort.

I wish you the Love of
friends and family,
And Peace within your heart.

I wish you the Wisdom to choose priorities,
For those things that really matter in life.

I wish you Generosity so you may share,
all good things that come to you.

I wish you Happiness and Joy
And Blessings for each New Year.

I wish you the best of everything,
That you so well deserve.