Well I did it!!!!
After feeling really pretty depressed about the whole adoption "thing" for about the last 2 months, I think I finally dragged myself out of the murk. I had stopped making plans and doing things with the sad belief that maybe the adoption would never happen for us. I've decided to have a more positive outlook (not sure how long this will last) and wanted to started "doing" something. So, I did what I'm good at, I shopped!!! I'd been eyeing the beautiful iron cribs by Corsican for quite awhile but they are oh so pricey --more expensive than either my first or second cars LOL! I did find what I believe to be a much more affordable option, extremely sturdy, beautiful and you can take the side off of it and use as a toddler bed for those in between years.

When I went in to the store to purchase, I found that they were discontinuing the crib and so it was on SALE!!! My favorite word! So I bought it!!! Decided to get the additional pieces to finish out the room. Two bookcases and a small chest and the beautiful doll cabinet. The chest is going to be placed between the two bookcases to create a single unit arrangement to house books, toys, etc. The doll cabinet was a splurge and she can use it for whatever little keepsakes she wants.

So there you go! The wood pieces were ordered and should be at the store in around 3 weeks but they have this great layaway program where they will hold onto the furniture for up to 6 months!

I'm excited to do something that is forward thinking and will eventually need to be done but a little apprehensive. What if something happens? I cannot even imagine anything more depressing than having a finished nursery and no hopes of a baby to put in it. I can wait a long time if need be and I'm hoping that there is a glimmer of light at the end of this apparently very long tunnel.

This is the crib, its by Childcraft:


~~~~~~~~~~~******~~~~~~~~~~~
You can't tell really well from this pic but on the scrolly parts, the silver is rubbed with gold which really gives it that aged look. The great thing about going with a metal colored crib is that there is basically no concern with bedding having a white or cream or other color background. Metallics go with everything!
~~~~~~~~~~~******~~~~~~~~~~~~


All the wood pieces are from Stanley's Young America line. Really nice quality and super well made.

These are the bookcases:
(I will post the pic soon, Blogger buggy again)


~~~~~~~~~~******~~~~~~~~~~
Not too fancy but fancy enough. They're flat on the sides so they can group with the little 3 drawer chest to create a single unit. I tried to post a pic of the chest but Blogger's being buggy. Anyway, the chest is only about as high as a desk and will fit between. I have this neat really old mirror from like the 40's that I'm going to hang about the chest. It should be placed so that Baby Girl can stand up and look at herself in it from her crib!

...and the doll cabinet:

~~~~~~~~~~~~~******~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I adore this piece of furniture. Again, not over the top girly or so ornate that it will be too precious in a couple years. I'm not sure if she'll even want dolls. I sure didn't when I was a little girl. I was pure tomboy and its sure ok with me if she is also. But, all little girls (and boys for that matter) have little keepsakes.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~******~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The Amish School shooting:
The senseless violence in the last few days has gotten me thinking. It has created much soul searching for many, I know.

The world can be and always has been a very violent and dangerous place. There is no time in history when people have not expressed their concerns at the violence in society and question whether children should still be brought into the world, etc. Read the history books, these discussions have taken place since the middle ages, in colonial society, through the industrial revolution, flapper days and certainly in the heyday of apparent safey –the 50’s. There has always been tremendous violence committed upon the weak in our society including women, children, handicapped, mentally ill, and the poor. Murder, rape and abuse is a condition of the human race.

Small towns, big cities, doesn’t matter. A person can be the unfortunate victim of a crime anywhere. That’s the part that is so frustrating and scary. What bothers me is the fact that we are all so plugged in to the media that sensationalizes everything that we live with a constant undertow of terror.

Yes, you should definitely take reasonable precautions to protect yourself and your children. You should wait with them at bus stops, you should walk them to the bathroom, you should utilize the buddy system, etc. You should also teach your children to recognize a potentially dangerous situation and provide them with some tools for protecting themselves. But if the Amish school shooting can teach us anything, it should be that no matter how insular your community and how great your efforts are to close yourself off from all that is potentially bad, the bad people can still come get you. Sad, I know, to be so out of control of the evil in some other people. But a fact.

All you can do is protect yourself and your family the best you can and hope for the best. I know that seems awfully passive and I’m not a passive person by nature, but “safety” for the most part is a perception.

It is a world filled with danger but for the most part, we’re safe from the most extreme forms. Most people will live their whole lives without having a crazed killer come into their personal lives. But we will not be immune to all crime. Almost everyone at some point in their lives will be affected (either personally or familialy) by an act of violence.

But, you can’t live your life waiting for it.

I have been "tagged" by someone to do a "meme" --basically what this means is you answer questions about yourself on your blog. If you're reading this, please also consider yourself "tagged" then post a comment with a link to let me know and I'll come visit!

Here goes:

*Your child's Chinese name (assuming s/he has or will have one)…areyou a) using it as a middle name, b) using it as a first name or c)not using it at all? Why?
I am in charge of the naming, Bobby said I could!!! Pretty much, I've decided Chinese names, 2nd and 3rd, combined as second middle name. Therefore: Zaida Rose ChineseName Crowell

Red threads - yes or no? Discuss.
Not a big believer in Red Threads or people being "meant to be together" at all. I do believe that we will receive the baby that it is perfect for our family because we will love her and accept her unconditionally and then we will never be able to imagine life without her as our daugher. I have developed a fondness for ladybugs but I don't really think they're lucky, just cute!

*What are you most looking forward to experiencing with your child/what do you most enjoy doing with your child?
I'd have to say all of it. We already have two kids and so I often think fondly of the things we will be able to experience again ie. tricycles, singing Disney songs in the car, making cookies, bedtime stories, first day of school, AYSO soccer, school projects and field trips... Yeah!!! I'm also looking forward to some things that will be new with a daughter like pink clothes, hair bows, and dolls!!!

*Have you been reading a lot of adoption books? Any recommendations?
Not a lot. I have read A Passage to the Heart, 1/2 of Wanting a Daughter Needing a Son (I want to finish but its very dry and academic) and, of course, every single post on APC for over a year!!! I also read Chinese Cinderella which is not an adoption book but very interesting.

*What will/do you miss most about your life pre-parenthood?
Well, we've been parents for 18 years so I can't even remember what life was like "pre-parenthood" --however, although I don't know if I'll miss it, jumping into the car to accomplish anything will be more difficult.

*Have you started your nursery, or are you waiting until the timegets closer?
We haven't started but I certainly know what I want it to look like. I'm actually thinking about making the bedding myself since it looks like we'll have so much time but may chicken out. I guess we're waiting til things get a little closer.

*Lifebook - excited to start or terrified of screwing it up?
Of the two options I would say I'm more excited to start than afraid of screwing it up. I've followed the yahoo lifebook site and I believe very strongly that it will be something I will do. Plus, I'm a scrapbooker.

*What hobby do you secretly hope your child will take up and love?
Playing an instrument. But mostly I just hope she finds something she is passionate about. Both my boys have chosen sports and activities I would have never chosen for them but I have grown to enjoy watching.

*Co-sleeping - "well of course" or "maybe but I just don't see any ofus would sleep"?
I don't think co-sleeping is something for our family. I reserve final judgment til she's actually here.

*If you'd had sole choice of your child's name (assuming you didn't),would it have been different? Wanna tell us what?
I have sole choice. Bobby said pick a name then tell him what it is and how to spell and pronounce it and he'll be fine with it.

*Are your family and friends really supportive of your decision toadopt?
Yes, very supportive. I have had a few weird comments but I don't believe any were intended to be unkind.

*What is your biggest fear while in China?
My biggest fear is that we will be referred a child that has severe health issues. I really feel for adoptive parents who arrive to find a child that has life-altering health issues. There but for the grace...

*In the movie of your life, who plays you?
If I'm the casting director I'm going to take some serious artistic license and choose.... Julia Roberts!!!

*Sleeping. Light on, light off?
Whatever, I fall asleep so fast it doesn't matter to me LOL!!!

*China - experiment with food or not?
I'm pretty experimental. There are some things I won't eat ie. rats, cats, dogs, intestines.

*Are you planning on learning some Chinese?Maybe a few helpful phrases.
Actually, I purchased the Pimsleur CD's then took a class at a local community college. Its fun but hard. I stopped listening to the CD due to my general depression over lengthening referrals but I've been feeling better lately and I think I'm ready to start again.

*Will this be your only adoption?
Almost undoubtedly. I wish we could adopt again but its very unlikely.

*To bow or not to bow?
Oh yes, I love the hairbows!!! I'm planning on doing the great big ones for as long as she'll let me. There will be only a very short time when I'll be able to dress her however I want. Oh joy!!!

*What about the 100 wishes quilt?
Definitely. Already started and because I belong to the OHGWQ group I'm planning on making an ABC and a World quilt as well. I've actually taken up quilting with my mom. Way fun!!!

*Favorite vacation destination?
The best place for a family vacation is Hawaii. Its slow, you don't have to dress up unless you want to and everyone speaks english so its easy.

*What TV show are you most looking forward to starting this fall?
I will admit it, I love TV! I want to see Survivor (which just started--groups divided by race, very interesting social experiment), Lost (dumb, I know, but we're addicted) and when the heck does American Idol start up again???

*Patient? Not Patient?I think I am, but the Goobie (quickly) says Not.
Good lord, no. Not at all, not even one little tiny itty bitty bit.

*Favorite sport to watch?
Basketball. Jeez I hope the Lakers do better this year. Can't stand Kobe but I have to root for the hometown team.

*Chocolate or Vanilla?
Ummm... strawberry.

*What's your favorite China adoption blog?
Probably my own. I always feel so much better after I write in it. People I know have read it, its weird to have people you know seeing my inside thoughts.

*Finally what is your guess for how far they will get with referrals this month?
I'm going with the RQ rumor, 8/15. If so I will have 183 more LIDs before mine.

PROGRESS AT LAST!!

I cannot explain the thrill I feel that at least we know that the CCAA is looking at the 2006 dossiers!!! There have been rumors for a few weeks that families logged in in Jan and Feb had been getting calls for additional info. So far, we haven't heard a thing and I'm hoping we don't!! I'm crossing my fingers that we sail through and don't need any additional medical info. We had such a problem with our doctor last time I can't even imagine if we had to go back to him for something.

Unfortunately, although I am a confirmed slave to the Rumor Queen site, it appears that the leaky faucets and loose lips that were a prior source of information about upcoming referral cutoffs, etc are no longer talking. In the words of someone, the CCAA is now "hermetic" with little to no info coming out. However, there was a rumor a day or so ago that perhaps referrals would go through 8/15 --since the last cutoff was 7/22 that would be a very exciting 24 days of referrals!!! That may actually sound better than it is because apparantly there are very, very few LIDs in the first part of August. But, for someone like me, with a 2/13/06 LID, I'm just hoping to get through as many days as possible. There are presently 207 LIDs to be matched before ours, so 24 days would bring us down to 183. That would feel really good and may even make me feel like this thing is possible. Lately, I've really felt like down about the whole situation and have been feeling like its never going to happen.

Today, for the second day in a row, I played hookie from work. I woke up yesterday morning, showered and got ready to go to work and then thought, "umm no, I don't think so." So I stayed home. It was wonderful, so wonderful in fact, that I repeated it today!!! What did I do with my free time you may ask??? Not a thing. Well, I did manage to make it out to Ross and I found the cutest little outfit for Baby Girl. It has very soft black corduroy pants with flowers ebroidered at the hem, a light pink t shirt and the cutest little pink overjacket with black and white zebra print lining!!! I got a 12 mos. I haven't purchased too many outfits but this one was too great to pass up.... $12.99!!!

OK, well off to bed I go now, gotta go to work tomorrow, or do I??????

Brett turned 18 today!!!! Wow, what a strange feeling. He is legally, if not emotionally, an adult. Presumed to know the difference between right and wrong and expected by the government to be responsible for his actions. Hmmm. Did something change between yesterday and today? He had to register for the Selective Service aka The Draft. That was depressing. I love the way they've PC'd it --Selective Service makes it sound like something so special, you have the opportunity to be selected to serve.

We are deep into college planning mode. So many decisions to be made and the outcome is primarily out of our control. I mean, yes we're in control of which schools to apply to and making sure that everything is done on time, etc. But its the outcome that is so uncertain. It seems to be the story of our lives at this point in time. Try, try, try and hopefully something will pan out. I hate "hoping" --it seems so passive. I want to be able to do something about it, to control the outcome. But, I guess I need to recall the Alcoholics Prayer:

Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can; and
the wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;
enjoying one moment at a time;
accepting hardship as the pathway to peace.

Ok, I know I'm an atheist and not an alcoholic but still its good advice, right? "Accept the things I cannot change" --ummm how do you know they cannot be changed until you try? When do you know you've tried enough? I guess that's where the "wisdom to know the difference" comes into play. The second verse strikes me as very "asian" --honestly, I think it could be one of those chinese poems --the idea that a person must accept and perhaps even welcome hardship as a part of life and a requirement to peace. I don't know about that. Does finding peace require walking a difficult path? Maybe we don't have the ability to recognize peace or happiness until after we have experienced restlessness and sadness. Not sure.

I am trying so hard not to live in the future. I want to avoid spending so much time thinking about where I'm trying to get that I forget to think about today. But its hard.

The Official "Not-so-Great

Wait"

From, and including: Monday, February 13, 2006 (LID)
To, but not including : Wednesday, September 6, 2006

We have been officially waiting:
~~205 days from LID to today, not including today

In other words:

~~6 months, 24 days, or

~~29 weeks (rounded down), or

~~4920 hours, or

~~295,200 minutes, or

~~17,712,000 seconds.

YAHOOO!!! I am pleased to announce that Brett has completed his Eagle Scout project! Not that he waited til the last minute or anything but all requirements must be completed before he turns 18 --boys scouts by definition must be "boys" not 18 year old young men. And when does he turn 18 you may ask???? That's right, about a day and a half from now. He has been exactly one Eagle Scout project away from being an Eagle Scout for almost 2 years. There has been quite a bit of butt kicking going on in our house to make sure he finished it, but it worked!

So, I realize that many of you who are reading this don't really know me but let it be said, I am a wimpy girlie girl. Proud of it too! I detest hard physical labor with a passion. I do like to plant flowers but mostly I like purchasing them and deciding where they go. Usually I plant a couple then Bobby finishes up while I go get cold beverages, cuz like I said, I'm a wimp. OK, now that you have a visual, I tell my story:

Saturday morning we all wake up at around 6 am (hello!!! its a holiday weekend and its, you know, Saturday!!!) rush around to get ready and meet over at the church by 7 am. We end up with a couple helpers cuz like I said, holiday weekend. After making about 20 U turns to try to figure out the detours we make it up to Sky Forest in Lake Arrowhead. It was beautiful but by 11 oclock or so, it was hot!! About 90 degrees. Then began 6-1/2 hours of torturous work. We had to dig 22 holes with post hole diggers, set these huge 10 foot long fence posts with cross bars 11x14 feet, and concrete them in. It was hard. Using a post hole digger is really hard. I dug about 6 of those holes about 18-24 inches deep and I have to tell you, I thought I would die. My chest muscles were so sore the next day I felt like I'd done a quadrillion "I must, I must, I must increase my bust" exercises.

Brett worked really hard and I think he's learned a lot from this experience about organization, etc. Casey was a total trooper, he worked so hard and never whined. I was really proud of them both.

Although throughout the day I did have my doubts as to whether or not the job would be completed in one day, we did finish. Now all Brett has left is the Eagle board of review then it is finished!!! Now we need to get Casey going on finishing up his Eagle stuff. Brett's next step, college applications. Eeeek!!!

This graphic suits my mood perfectly! I am holding on to hope but it is sometimes very tough. My agency's new waiting child list came out this week and I looked at it very seriously. I've looked at all the lists before but have never felt a real connection to any particular child. (Of course, there was this one beautiful little boy that caught my eye once, he was gorgeous, those eyes... but, I already have two beautiful boys, I WANT A GIRL!). Anyway, so I searched the list and found not one but two beautiful little girls whose special needs I felt were something we could handle successfully! I thought and thought about them both, even had a friend's doctor husband look at their medical files (thank you Terrence) and read for hours about their conditions on the internet. Bobby and I talked about it a lot but finally, we decided, it just wasn't right for us at this time. I know that both those precious little girls are going to be snatched up by families that feel that they are perfect for them and I wish them long lives of health and happiness.

So, as always, I hold on to hope that someday--hopefully sooner rather than later-- we will find our little girl. The one that's meant to be ours forever. Maybe we will find her on an upcoming waiting child list or maybe we will have to wait for CCAA but I do think there is a precious little chinese baby girl out there who is waiting for us to be her family, or at least there will be. For now I'm hanging on to that thin red thread with all my might, hoping that the time will pass by quickly and we will find Baby Girl before the darn thread snaps in two.

"Between the wish and the thing,
life lies waiting."

~Unknown

Well, referrals came out yesterday, 9 stinking days. After the initial shock and awe I pulled another 9 paperclips off my paperclip calendar and changed my sign to 207 more LID's to be referred til mine. Ouch.

Found this on another blog:

We wait
while the snow clings
and the seeds sleep
and the earth turns.
*
We wait
while the heart sings
and the eyes weep
and the mind churns.
*
We wait
while the soul learns
that the love's deep.
So the hope springs,
as the dream burns
and the days creep
till the phone rings-
*
And she waits-

"How are you today?"
After one of the more stressful work mornings I've had in awhile, I quickly went around the drive through at the local McDonalds so I could stuff my face with some comfort food before racing off to my afternoon appearance (also guaranteed to be a nightmare). I was pretty much in my own little world-- turning up the air and fiddling with the radio while snapping my pink Razor shut as I ended a frustrating call with my son. Then, all of a sudden, there it was... the question.

It was posed by the young girl who stood beyond the window while she was placing the lid on the cup of my oh-so-desired Diet Coke. She was cute with her hair pulled back and neatly hidden under her McCap-- about 17 years old I'd reckon, if I was the "reckoning" sort. The way she asked left me with the impression that she didn't have a care in the world. That may not have been true. She may have had lots of stress gurgling behind that 17 year old smile. She may have had boyfriend problems, she may have been worried about failing highschool or not getting into the right college. She could have had horrendous family problems. Don't know. But, back to the question...

"How are you today?" she asked.

My immediate (and thankfully internal) response was "well, if you really want to know... its pretty tough here in Susanland. I'm under more pressure at this time of my life and feeling more out of control than I ever have, ever. I'm bombarded by work, parents, kids, and adoption frustrations. I'm part of the sandwich generation and I'M GETTING THE SQUEEZE! I FEEL TIRED ALL THE TIME AND SLEEP DOESN'T FIX IT!!! I'M READY TO JUMP OUT OF MY SKIN AND NOT JUMP BACK IN!!! I'M..."

"Fine, thank you" I responded, exuding calm.

I think I even managed a smile.

Its been a tough week or so. On 8/2/06 my father in law finally lost his 2 year battle with cancer. I'm going to miss him. I was going to post about it earlier, but haven't felt up to it, maybe I will later.

On the adoption front, we are now at 180 days past LID. The current wait time has increased to 13 mos and appears to be getting longer and longer. When we originally started this process, the wait was 6 mos, now some worst case scenarios have the wait stretching to 3 years!!! I think the worst case scenarios are just that "worst case" but still. The end of July referrals went through 7/13, let's hope CCAA can get through even one day of August. Even if waits stabilize meaning they start doing 30 days at a time, we would not have a referral until 2/07 and if they continue doing half months it would be August or September of 2007. Travel would likely be around Thanksgiving 2007!! That requires a serious adjustment to expectations. When we began this process, I was amusing myself with thoughts of having Baby Girl home by Christmas of this year.

The boards are filled with comments about the situation-- anger, frustration. Some people are choosing to shorten the wait by going with a Waiting Child. It may not really be intentional, it just may be that this excrutiating wait has allowed people a lot of extra time to sort through the Waiting Child lists to find the child that is perfect for them. Some are seriously considering changing programs. I continue to check the Waiting Child lists each time my agency gets one, but have not yet found our future child there. I have investigated changing programs but that does not seem like a good option for us at this time.

Korea~ rumor is they're not taking any more applications with the plan to phase out their IA program all together.

Vietnam ~was shut down a long time and just reopened. Not really too sure about this one yet. The first referrals since the program reopening are just coming home.

Russia~ seems to be having lots of problems.

Kazakstan (sp?) ~it has that 5 week in country plus I'm not very knowledgeable about the process.

Guatemala ~very expensive, seems to be going through some growing pains.

So, yeah, that brings us back to China. Not only that but I have become so China adoption focused that its hard for me to even "think outside the box" on this one. I just feel very strongly that my daughter is there. I so hope I'm right.

Today is probably the most down I've felt since the beginning of this process. We're on day 155 since LID and there is absolutely no end in sight. The wait appears to be increasing to the point where with each day that passes we get 2 days further away from a possible referral. There's lots of talk about the wait stretching out to 18 mos, 24 mos, or even longer!! What this means, among other things, is that we would be required to redo our immigration forms at a cost of about $1500 plus update our homestudy (don't know what this will cost yet). Other costs will likely follow. Besides the cost, I wonder at what point we will determine that this plan will not be feasible for our family. When do we say "enough is enough?" I know we're not there yet and waiting an extra year sucks but is still doable. But at some point, if the wait times continue to increase to ridiculous times, we may need to reconsider. As I type those words I feel the tears start. I've pretty much had a pit in my stomach all day long. I want so badly to be Baby Girl's mommy. I have already invested so much into this process and I'm not talking money. The things that have kept me going the last few months ie. shopping and planning for nursery decor, looking at names, reading other's blogs, surfing the yahoo groups, etc. just don't seem to be alleviating the stress of "the wait." I think it must be a common feeling because the number of posts on the groups per day has really decreased.

I can only imagine how much more difficult this must be for couples who do not yet have children. Some people have suffered through years of infertility and failed domestic and international adoptions. I experience my own sadness and know that theirs must be ten-fold. But, for today, I guess I don't have enough room at my pity party to invite them

Today's a bad day.

I am worth $1,696,578 on HumanForSale.com

Apparantly. Interestingly, I got a $2500 increase in value for watching TV "often" --that's kind of weird.

Your Blogging Type Is Thoughtful and Considerate

You're a well liked, though underrated, blogger. You have a heart of gold, and are likely to blog for a cause. You're a peaceful blogger - no drama for you! A good listener and friend, you tend to leave thoughtful comments for others.

What's Your Blogging Personality?

I love this graphic, its just so cute! Our DTC group has started a weekly book club, sort of. Each week a new children's book is posted. Many people don't have any children's books yet so its a good way for them to get started. But, for me, its a way to learn about some new books and authors. I'm a book lover, for sure.

Reading to my boys was such a big part of their childhood. Every evening after their bath we would sit down and read books. Over and over. Dr Seuss and some of my other fav's The Owl and the Pussycat, Can't you Sleep Little Bear, and these funny little Patrick books. Of course, there were those nights when it was like, ok, let's read the shortest book possible. That's when you go straight for the one-minute-bedtime-story book LOL! Then, as children do, they got older and they would read to me. Bedtime story became less and less frequent until it stopped all together. Now, I can hardly get my kids to give me a nod when I come in the door. They're busy, doing their own thing and, on one hand, that's good. They're becoming adults and gaining independence, separating themselves a little so they can go out and live their own lives. But it makes me sad.

Thing is, even though I enjoyed evening story time for the most part, I also sometimes thought of it as drudgery. I didn't really feel like doing it all the time. Not just story time but lots of the little kid stuff. I didn't realize then what I realize now, which is, kids are only little for such a short time. Enjoy it!!!

I can't wait to read stories to Baby Girl.

Today was Father's Day. Its a day that, throughout my life, I have paid very little attention to. I've never really had a father--Mother's Day has always been the biggie in my life. I've spent most of my life thinking that having a male parental unit didn't matter and it wasn't really necessary for one's happiness. I've always thought, and said, that I was so glad that in my life I had no father rather than a crappy one. So many of the people I've known have had fathers who were drunks, or creeps, or whatever.

I'm starting to question my long held beliefs. I'm not sure if its because I see how lucky my kids are to have a "dad" or if it has something to do with the amount of thought I've given to my future daughter never knowing her birthparents. Its possible that its merely related to my general sad state about all the things in my life over which I have no control. In any event, much has been written and discussed on the online groups about how our children will more than likely feel a sense of loss associated with never knowing their birthparents or having any information about them. I suppose if we're making comparisons that, on one hand, I'm way ahead of the game. I know and have met the person who contributed 50% of my DNA. I can look in the mirror and see the evidence--my very fair skin and very dark hair. So I have a "father"--I'm grounded in my sense of heredity. But I never had a "dad." The sperm donor left my life just after I entered kindergarten so he never really learned anything about me, or me about him. He didn't witness my sorrow in the sad times of my life or share in my joy at the highpoints. So even though I have the visual, the shell, there's nothing really of substance to the memory. Who is he? Who was he? I don't know.

Baby Girl will never have a "father" --she will never have a photo or a visual memory of either of her birthparents. She will never be able to look into the mirror and see a resemblance to someone who's come before. But, she will have a "dad." She will have someone to read her stories, pick her up when she cries, sit in the front row at her school holiday program, and cheer for her from the sidelines of her chosen sport.

To me it seems abundantly clear that having a "dad" is immeasurably better than having just a "father." There are some people who do not share this opinion. Many anti adoption people and, yes, they do exist, think that the biological connection is paramount. That it is paramount to happiness to share genes with a known entity.

I wonder what Baby Girl will think.

New Yahoo Group! Hello all. I've done it! I have been so enjoying participating in the OHGWQ --One Hundred Good Wishes Quilt yahoo group. For a while I've been thinking about starting a similar type group to swap themed scrapbook pages. So the other day, I did it. Donna, a fellow waiting mom, had put together this logo when I proposed Ladybug Hunters as a name for our DTC group. The group ended up going with a different name but when I decided to start the group I emailed Donna and asked if it would be OK if I used the logo. Not only did she say "yes" but she became my first official member! For anyone who's interested in getting more info you can check out the group at this address:
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/LadybugHuntersScrapbookingClub/

Lordy, lordy, look who's 40!!! That's right, its me. Ok, so I've heard 40 is the new 30. Truthfully, I don't feel a darn bit different. But, I am 40 nonetheless. I'm certainly happier now than I was when I was 30 --I'm just older. More gray hair to contend with.

When I think about these ever increasing wait times, which latest worst case scenarios place at possible 18 mos, I start to think about how old we're going to be when she gets here. With Brett and Casey, we were the young parents, always. Now, we will be those old parents. The ones that people talk to and when they walk away the conversation goes on stating or guessing at our advanced ages. Egads!

Anyway, happy birthday to me.

BROWN ENVELOPE!!! My goodness, what a plain thing it looks to be. I'll try to post a pic if I can. I really had decided we were not going to get one. It seemed like the only people still getting them were LID after ours but there it was in the mailbox, waiting for me when I got home!!!

Also, today marks exactly 100 days since we were LID. Everyone on the online groups seems pretty depressed about the wait times stretching out. Interestingly, I believed the rumors last week. So I have had a whole week to get used to the idea. I'm not happy but I am resigned to wait however long it takes. I know it will happen. There's also a rumor on the Dec DTC site that someone with a 12/05 LID was asked for additional information. Its plausible that Dec is in the review room now. If true, it would mean that we're getting close to review ourselves.

I want Baby Girl here.

Well, today it has been exactly 60 days since our LID. Assuming a 12 month, 365 day wait until referral, we are 16-1/2% of the way through. We will be 25% there on May 15th~~ 50% there on August 13th and 75% there on Nov 13th. That's the way I plan on wading through this wait, one day closer at a time!!

This is a picture of my "word cloud" ~~they are really fun to make. I guess you can order T~shirts and stuff too but I just thought I'd post it here.

WE HAVE A LID!!!! REMEMBER THE DATE, MARK IT ON YOUR CALENDAR, THIS IS IT!!! DRUM ROLL PLEASE...... FEBRUARY 13, 2006 !!!!!!!!

I have chosen to type in pink today to match my "tickled pink" mood!!!! Honestly, I cannot believe it. I have been checking the boards numerous times per day for at least 6 weeks waiting to hear some news. In fact, I feel sorry for those who have to hang out with me. I've been mopey and uncharacteristically quiet (at times). Yesterday, I was so busy at work and completely distracted by an issue that had taken place with Brett that I had no time. I came in to work super early (for me that's 5 o'clock folks) and decided to relax for a few minutes with my morning yogurt and BAM!!! I read that we have our LID's. The post came out on the agency site yesterday at around noon.

I had a very strong suspician that our LID was going to be Valentine's Day. There were many reasons for this. I had been keeping close track of the DTC vs. LID of others and their various agency policies re: when and how they translate, etc. Plus, I just thought how fun it would be to be LID on heart day but I am thrilled to have it even one day earlier than expected. If CCAA continues to send our partial month referrals, that one day could affect our referral by a month. And, if they ever speed up a little and go back to even 1/2 months at least we're in the first half of the month. There is a website isorumors.blogspot.com written by a women who calls herself the Rumor Queen. She is carefully documenting the referral process to try to figure out all sorts of things us waiting parents are interested in like... How long will referrals actually take? What exactly has caused the slowdown? Is CCAA really still referring out as many children as before? etc, etc, etc. She says her most recent info is that the referral process should not extend past the 12 month mark. That would mean that our referral (when you get the picture and medical info) would come in by Feb 2007 and we would likely be traveling to China around April 2007. I really hope her rumors are correct. I can live with that. Late last week there were rumors floating around that the referral process might actually extend to 18 months!!! OUCH!!! Let's hope the old rumors are wrong and the new rumors are right.

Anyway, we are "officially" 47 days into our wait for Baby Girl!!! If the 12 month timeline is correct we would have 318 days left to wait until we receive a picture of our daughter. Wow!!! Plus on the weird-things-to-think-about side this means that somewhere in China, a birthmother is likely carrying the little girl that will someday be our child. The babies are an average of 11 mos old at referral meaning with a Feb referral she would be born in April, that's next month.... It is possible that she's already been born but she definitely exists in one form or another. Plays with the brain.

Today has not been a great day for the CAC (Chinese Adopting Community). Why? you may ask. Well, it's referral time and it's not looking good. I was reading back my post from 2/18 and noticed that at that time I was reporting that referrals were to cover LID's 5/13/05 -->?? Those question marks turned out to be 5/25. OUCH!! Only 10 days of referrals. When we started this process in September 2005 referrals came out about once a month and referred about a month of LID's. Sometimes more, sometimes a little less. Today, the rumor mill is now quoting that March referrals will only cover LID's 5/26-5/30 or maybe 5/31. Bigger ouch!!! It really seems as though the entire process has coming to a screeching halt. There's lots of speculation as to why this may be the case ie. abnormally huge, historic level high dossiers in May, the Hunan baby trafficking problems, etc. It seems like maybe its a combination of things. But, whatever it is, it is completely outside of my control. Realization of that fact did not stop me from feeling pretty sad today. I had put in my mind a worse case scenario of Feb 2007 for travel. My worst case scenario needs to be amended. It could be April or even later... I know that it will eventually happen and I'm trying to look on the bright side and see the positives of more time but still the uncertainty of it all does get to me sometimes. Today is one of those times.

I posted to my Yahoo group a list of potential positives for having a longer wait. Among them were:
1. More time to work on my Mandarin
2. More time to save money for trip and SHOPPING
3. More time to work on nursery and shop for baby items
4. More time to learn to quilt well enough that I actually make the Good Wishes Quilt and have it ready by the time that Baby Girl gets here
5. More time to read all the adoption related books I've purchased and am still interested in.
6. If we don't travel til summer there would be no reason for Brett to not make the trip with us!! (This is the only one I really like)

I could go on but you get the point. The problem with the list is each "positive" generally starts with "more time" which, of course, means more time waiting, waiting for Baby Girl. Like I said, I'm kinda down. Sorry if you were looking for a little pick me up, it's not happening here today.

100 Good Wishes Quilt: I have been told, there is a tradition in parts of China that in order to give a child a good start in life, a quilt is created from fabrics provided by friends and family. Each of these fabrics are supposed to represent a good wish for the child's future. It is very popular in the Chinese adoption community to create these 100 good wishes quilts. The way its done is that people send a 8" or so square of fabric along with a wish for the child's future. The squares are made into a quilt and the wishes are saved in an album along with a small scrap of the fabric for a keepsake. I think it is a lovely tradition. Because it is difficult, if not impossible, for some people to collect the squares just from friends and as an additional bond within DTC groups, swaps are often conducted. In fact, there is an entire yahoo group devoted to the quilts called OHGWQ "One Hundred Good Wishes Quilts" --I am, not surprisingly, a member!!!

Let's just start by saying, I know nothing about quilting. However, I was convinced by a Joann's employee that if I took the Quilting 1, 2, and 3 classes --a total of 12 hours of instruction--I would learn enough to be able to make a simple quilt for Baby Girl myself. So, here goes. I signed up this Saturday and will begin in a few weeks. Meanwhile I've been collecting the fabrics and wishes from others and went out and purchased some fabric of my own to share. As you can see it is pink, of course, and has little garden type pix on it. Some people do fancy wishcards and others are very simple. I decided it would be fun to do something a little involved and VOILA!!! pictured is my creation. It took me about 7 hours to make about 21 of them. I got lots quicker as I moved along. But, it was fun. I wanted something kind of special. Now we'll just have to see how this quilting thing comes along.

I'm going to purchase fabrics for the class quilt cuz I figure I'll make lots of mistakes. Then, by the time I'm ready to make the real thing, it should be quite a bit better. Let's all keep our fingers crossed. The pic is of one of the fabrics I chose to send out and the wish which reads:

I wish you Health,
So you may enjoy each day in comfort.

I wish you the Love of
friends and family,
And Peace within your heart.

I wish you the Wisdom to choose priorities,
For those things that really matter in life.

I wish you Generosity so you may share,
all good things that come to you.

I wish you Happiness and Joy
And Blessings for each New Year.

I wish you the best of everything,
That you so well deserve.

Secret Pal gift exchange...
I've joined quite a few of the Yahoo groups for families adopting from China. Among them are three DTC groups December 2005, January 2006, and Feb 2006, Harrah's, and APC. The DTC groups are really fun, everyone is in the exact same place and so we can all kind of relate to each other. I'm really surprised that I enjoy them--it's not the kind of thing I thought I'd have any interest in-- but they provide a nice support system. Anyway, the groups plan all sorts of fun little things to keep your mind occupied during the seemingly unending wait. So far I've done the postcard exchange and begun the secret pal swap. I've also signed up for some quilt square exchanges but that's a different subject altogether.

Today, I'd had an extremely challenging day at work and when I got home I was really tired and pretty grouchy. Luckily when I checked the mail I found that my first secret pal package had arrived!!! I was so excited!!! What a great assortment of cute little things. The theme for Feb was "Year of the Dog" because of the Lunar New Year. As you can see there's a really cute chinese dog plaque and stand, a beautiful purple ornament, origami baby booties, two little jade dogs and 5 sets of the prettiest chopsticks I've ever seen!!!! There are 4 adult sized chopsticks and one child sized for Baby Girl. Whoever my secret pal is she (he??) sure did a great job. I've posted some close ups:


Thank you so much Secret Pal!! You really lifted my spirits today.

Still waiting on our LID... I know think?? we already have one, I just don't know what it is. I heard today that the families whose dossier's were sent by our agency to China on 1/6/06 received a log in date LID of 1/24/06. That means with our LID should be around the middle of February. I'll be so happy to have one. For anyone who doesn't know, the LID is the date that China uses to line up referrals. So, pretty much they go in chronological order and that's your place in line. The next referrals should be out in a week or two and will be for LIDs 5/13/05 --->?? No one knows for sure but I've heard rumors that they'll go through 6/6/05. That would be more than 3 weeks worth which would be great cuz the last couple sets of referrals have only been for a 2 week period of time. That would mean that referrals would be taking 8-1/2 mos from LID which is not so bad. I've been setting myself up for a 10 month wait for referral so 8 mos would be a huge improvement!!!

There's been quite a bit of talk on APC lately about the ages of children to be referred --its gotten me thinking quite a bit. We requested 5-10 month old girl, as young as possible (AYAP). China considers an infant to be any child up to 24 mos. I personally have never seen a referral that old, except where its been requested, and most of the babies are between 8 and 14 mos old. Lately, they've been even younger, 6-9 mos. Some people are just adamant that there is a baby out there "meant for them" --either in the religious context or not and therefore age is not an issue. Some feel that they have put their trust in the CCAA to match them with the "perfect" child for them. I personally do not feel that way. I don't have the religious connection and I sure as heck don't think that a government worker in a country half way around the world looking at our passport pix and our little commercial (aka dossier materials) has any tremendous insight. I believe they do the best they can. I've heard they try to match up by appearance and personality but, whatever. I just don't think they have enough information about the families or the babies to do that successfully.

One thing's for sure, I know that we will love the child referred to us, that one's easy. Children are so innocent and beautiful and I think human beings are just "built" in a way that when you are put in a position of care of another living thing, not just children here, you love them. I believe that parental love is a natural instinct.

Anyway, point is that either way, I still really do want a child AYAP. I really love the idea of adopting from China but I could have found my child somewhere else. Vietnam just opened their adoptions again and the few referrals I've heard of are for very young babies, like 2 mos old. That's very appealing to me. Of course, we could have gone with Guatemala where the babies are also very young but that just didn't feel like a match. Overall, I think China is the best choice for our family.

So what would we do if China decided to refer our family a child far outside our expectations? A boy perhaps. It's happened. I can unequivocally answer that if we were referred a boy we would request another referral. I love my boys but that's just too different from the experience we're expecting. Plus, I know some families would be so thrilled to have a little boy. How about an older girl, say 3 yrs old? Would we accept that referral? I don't know, I'm not sure. Truly, I hope that doesn't happen but if it did and we accepted the referral, I know we'd love her. Plus I'm sure in the future we would look back and not even be able to imagine our lives without this particular child. Just like Brett and Casey.

I love you Baby Girl, I just haven't met you yet!!!

"And when at last I find you
Your song will fill the air
Sing it loud so I can hear you
Make it easy to be near you
For the things you do endear you to me
You know I will
I will."

It's been a very long time since I have posted. The biggest news is... we are officially DTC!!! On 1/20/06 our documents were sent to China with those of about 10 other families from our agency. What a huge relief. I mean really, its amazing how stressful that part of the whole process it. But, its done and now we just have to wait. First for our LID --Log in Date --the date that determines our place in line. Then for our Referral....

"The waiting is the hardest part

Every day you see one more card

You take it on faith, you take it to the heart

The waiting is the hardest part"

"The wai-ai-ting is the harrrrr--dest part..." I think of that Tom Petty song often which is funny cuz it really is not adoption or baby related but whatever. Waiting really is hard. I guess because there's nothing I can really do to improve the situation. I can't get up early and get started, I can't work overtime, I can't pay an extra fee to expedite, and I can't call someone's supervisor and nudge the process along. I have to just... wait. And, during this active waiting period I can't even log onto the computer and track the progress like an anticipated package from Amazon. I have to just try to get through it without driving everyone else crazy. So here's what I'm doing:

1. Working a lot --bill, bill, bill...
2. Mandarin classes --oh my gosh, really fun "Ni hao"
3. Reading books about China and adoption
4. Endlessly shopping for all baby related items ie. the perfect crib, the perfect crib bedding, the perfect stroller, the perfect high chair, etc.
5. Still trying to choose the perfect name --current fav's Zaidee, Chatelaine, Adeline, Cambria, and Charlotte.
6. Finish projects around the house and general de-clutter
7. Reading every post on all the yahoo groups I belong to searching for rumors of referrals
8. Joined postcard swap, secret pal swap, and quilt square swap
9. Considering taking a quilting class --the lady at Joanne's assures me I can complete a very simple 100 good wishes quilt with very little training. Hmmm I'm not sure...
10. Remembering all the little songs and things I did with Brett and Casey when they were small so I can do them again with Baby Girl like Itsy Bitsy Spider, I Love You So Much, Wheels on the Bus...
11. Driving everyone else crazy with discussion of the above.

All in all, its been just fine so far. Of course, its only been like 23 days so it may get a little tougher but we'll have to see.

On the shoppping issue aka Retail Therapy... I've been considering a new ideas for the nursery, well same idea, different implementation. Here are some other cribs I am now considering:

The Venetian by Bratt Decor --this crib comes with the posts and you can either use them or not. So fancy but not in an over the top way.



Below #1: The Casablanca by Bratt Decor --this is a crib that was featured in the Stuart Little movie.
Below #2: Classic Iron by Legacy. This is the only one of the group I've seen in person and it is GORGEOUS! I wish it came in gold but it doesn't just silver and white.



As you can see I'm really liking the iron crib idea. They're just so beautiful, romantic, classic and extremely well made. Also, there's no furniture matching problems to contend with if I go with a metallic which will make the rest of the shopping so much easier.

This weekend we went to our final baby shopping destination and I found a company that's been in business for years that makes custom crib bedding. They have tons of fabrics and you can mix and match to make a one of a kind set. Really beautiful. Some day soon, I hope to have this all pulled together in my brain and then watch out... the credit card's coming out and I'm doing some damage!!! Until then its search and look, search and look, search and look....

Loose ends: Over the past weekend, we spent quite a bit of time finishing up all the loose ends for the dossier. We still needed to do our pix, get the passport photos for the matching room, etc. I really hate to have my picture taken, I mean HATE!! But, if we want the kid, the pix must be taken. OK. So, we set the camera up in the backyard on the tripod and used the timer and took some snapshots of the "happy" little, albeit incomplete, family. I'm sure my neighbors thought we were crazy. Brett and Casey kept poking at each other and getting up to give us their input which required us to all get set up again. Try to imagine it... "Brett!! Casey!! would you guys knock it off!!! Sit down already!! Would you stop screwing around I want to get this done!!! OK, KNOCK IT OFF, SIT DOWN AND SMILE, DAMMIT!!! Ahh, those happy moments at home. Anyway, I thought the pix turned out OK. Looking at them the following day I actually liked them better. What do you think? Would you give these people a kid???

After the family was sufficiently tortured by sitting through the photo op, Bobby and I went off to WalMart to print the pix out and take the passport photos. Ohmygawd!!! We were there forever. I cannot figure out for the life of me why, oh why, does the stupid printing machine always break whenever I'm there. Then over to the portrait studio for the passport photos-- at least that was quick. If I figure out how to scan them in I will. Bobby has sort of a deer-in-headlights look and I think I just look tired. Anyway, those were OK too I guess. From what I've heard, those are the only pix that go into the mysterious Matching Room. Meaning, the powers that be look at those two little pix and match us up to a little pic of our baby. There's been lots of speculation as to exactly how the matching is done and some people swear that the babies look like the adoptive parent. I'm not convinced, yet. Also, people wonder if the more "attractive" parents are given cuter babies. Mmmm, I don't think so. I've seen some pretty average people get some pretty gorgeous kids and some pretty gorgeous people get some pretty gorgeous kids. Maybe I just think all the babies are adorable!!!

Anyway, the next day, all the pix (and a great, big check) were overnighted to Texas, yipee!

Wow, I forgot to mention that we received the I171H on 1/9/06. Opened the mailbox and there it was!!! Honestly, it doesn't look very important. A person could easily have thrown it away. In the last 10 days it's been notarized and overnighted, certified, expedited and approved, then overnighted again. Whew!!!

Another funny thing, I got a call from HFS on Wednesday saying that they needed for Brett and Casey to write a letter to CCAA expressing their feelings about the adoption. That seemed kinda strange but I guess they just want something in writing from the kids to know they're OK with it. HFS said I could "help" them with it if need be. However, I thought it would be fascinating to read what they actually thought. Both of them mentioned that they thought it was "strange" but that it would be fun. Hmmm... not the rousing words of joy and confidence I hoped for but, what the heck, they're teenage boys.

Anyway, we're all set to be DTC tomorrow, the 20th. CCAA closes for Lunar/Chinese New Year from 1/28/06-2/12/06. We won't know for a couple of months about our LID.

Two things I learned today...

Learned thing #1: Well, I haven't written in awhile and mostly because there hasn't been much to say. For any of you who have been following my blog, and there may not be any, I don't know... I have changed its name. Used to be Journey to My China Doll, updated to Journey to My China Princess. Why? I learned today on APC -- the mother of all china adoption related yahoo groups-- that the term "china doll" is not PC. I thought it was cute and used to call the boys my little dolls when they were younger but apparantly it is considered impolite because at some time chinese prostitutes were referred to as "china dolls". I didn't really like the association, so I changed it. I must comment that I think its better than one blog I read where a mother, obviously unknowingly, referred to her newly adopted chinese daughter as "the little nipper".

Learned thing #2: I am waiting, not patiently, for the dreaded I171H. Our homestudy was received by the Los Angeles USCIS office on 11/28/05 but no I171 yet. I have officially turned into one of those frantic people who is surfing every china adoption related yahoo group looking for answers as to when the heck we can expect to receive it. Looks like it may be another couple weeks. I was so hoping to be DTC (Dossier to China) by 1/20/06, the last date in January that my agency will be sending dossiers but, that's starting to look unlikely. More likely is that we will be done by the next mail in date which is 2/4/06. I know that to the average person that doesn't seem like such a big difference but to me, it is agonizing. I know it sounds funny but I could hardly wait for the holidays to be over so we could stop losing CIS working days. I come home from work every day and check the mail first thing. I feel pathetic. Lesson: I'm really bad at waiting.

In order to help pass the time I have registered for Mandarin classes at the local community college. I think it will be fun. I purchased some language CD's and that's going along pretty well but the class should be great. Funny, when I graduated from law school I said I would never again be a student because I was so sick of school but here I go again!!

Just thinking... it seems as though the referral ages have gotten younger with about 10 mos being average. So, if we get a referral in 11/06 that means that our little princess will be born in about 2/06. It is possible that she's been born already and that the little girl that will be joining our family is already in existence somewhere. I hope if she that she's safe, warm, and well-fed.

Week from hell... almost.
Alright, here we go... Monday I had gone to lunch with my coworkers and when we came out to get back in the car found that someone had broken out my driver's side car window and stolen my purse!! OK, I know you're not supposed to leave valuables (or in this case, the appearance of valuables) in clear view but, I forgot, I was in a hurry. Damn!

Anyway, the interesting thing about it is that looking through the broken glass my very first thought was "OH MY GOD!! I am so glad they didn't take my adoption folder." You see it was sitting right there next to my purse and it wouldn't necessarily have had anything of value to another person in it but they definitely may have just grabbed it hoping for the best. Its kind of a little pink suede thing I carry all my papers around with me in. I don't always have it with me but Monday was to be a very big day for me. Bobby had taken some of his papers to the bank for notary and I was going to pick up the long awaited medical form from the doc and go to the bank later to have the notaries finished up. So it was with me. If they would have grabbed it, you know what would have happened, they would have seen nothing of value and dumped it into a dumpster. My 3 mos of work would require repeat. Not to mention the cost of having to reorder birth certificates, passports, etc. But the great thing is, they didn't take it.

Although it was a rough couple of days ie. paying to have the window replaced, two days on the phone to cancel credit cards, update online banking, auto debits, deposits, etc. It was really fine. Because in the long run my life, my real life, was not affected at all. So that's why it was "almost" the week from hell. As it turned out, even with my broken window, I drove over to the doc's office to get the form and went to the bank to have everything notarized. In fact while I was there I was able to change my account, etc. So in a way it was, uh, convenient... OK, I'm just kidding here. Truth is, it still sucked, but it did bring into perspective the reality that life is not always perfect, things get in my way and it doesn't always go as planned. People I love get sick, kids are not always "perfect", life is not always kind. But in the end, I must take it as it comes, do the best I can with what I have, and keep going forward. The only thing I can truly control is my perception of events/things/people I encounter.

I think I'll go hug my kid.....

Paperwork complete??
Ok, this is getting exciting. I have finally gotten the doctor to completely fill out my medical form. YIPPEEE!!! Also, I have gotten the DC approval of our letter to CCAA (China Center of Adoption Affairs) requesting to adopt. I've attached it here so anyone interested can see the type of things they're looking for. Now, all we have to do is get all these papers notarized and then we'll ship them off to the DC to have them verified and authenticated by the secretary of state and the chinese consulate. Once that's done we'll only be waiting on the I171!!!

To The Officials Of The China Center Of Adoption Affairs:

We hope to adopt a child from The People’s Republic of China.

We are requesting a single, healthy, female baby between five

and twelve months of age. We would like the baby to be
as young as possible.

As a family, we have chosen to adopt from China because

it is a beautiful country with a rich history. Susan was fortunate
enough to be able to visit China in 1990 and enjoyed the country

and its proud people. We believe that a little girl from China would

be very happy in our home as we live in an area with many

Chinese families. Close to our city is a large community of

Chinese people where she will have the opportunity to learn about
and stay connected to her Chinese heritage.

Susan is an attorney who enjoys reading, gardening, and decorating.

Bobby works for an aggregate company and spends free time

playing sports and games with our two sons. Our adopted daughter

will have two older brothers age 17 and 15 years old who have
always dreamed of little sister. They both participate in numerous

sports and love computers. We are excited to become an American-

Chinese family and are already planning ways to educate our

daughter about China. Susan has begun learning Mandarin and

we plan to have our adopted daughter learn as well. Chinese holidays,

customs and interaction with Chinese Americans will become an
integral part of our family life. We plan when she is older to travel to
China so that she will be able to experience her first country personally.

We all sincerely promise to love and care for our adopted daughter
for her entire life. We will never abandon or abuse her or allow anyone

else to cause her harm. She will immediately become a respected member

of our family and be treated the same as her two older siblings. She will

share equally in any inheritance. Education is very important to our family.

Both our boys have always attended highly respected private schools with

the goal of attending and completing a college education. Our daughter

will be given the same educational opportunities. Our desire is for

her to grow to be a strong, healthy, intelligent, proud woman.

For these reasons we respectfully request we be allowed to adopt a

healthy, baby girl between the ages five and twelve months, as young as

possible. Thank you for your consideration.

Moving along....slowly.
Well, we got an email from the homestudy agency advising that the homestudy has been forwarded to the DC for review. DC says she'll have it reviewed in a few days and then it will be sent to USCIS. I have just one thought, "please hurry."

Thanksgiving is almost here and once again I think of next year and hope that we'll be enjoying the holiday with a new addition to our family. This may be just wishful thinking but, for now, that's all I have to do.

Homestudy...
Well we finally have a rough draft from the social worker. It wasn't horrible except for the part where she didn't cut and paste correctly and left in the employment info for the last people she did one for. The amazing part is that when I pointed this out to her she didn't even apologize. I know she really hates me. Anyway, we are one step closer to a completed homestudy and that is good news.

I've been shopping for baby stuff and thought I'd post some pix here of the things I've been looking at. I absolutely love this set by Young America. It's called Isabella and has tons of pieces that match it including teen furniture like desks, etc. My plan is to get the crib and then basically all the furniture we would need for her as she gets older and that way, when she transitions to a big bed, we won't have to change everything. The piece on the left is a doll/curio cabinet. I love it!!
The link to the whole set is here:
Stanley
Furniture Set

I've also been looking at bedding. My fav so far is a set by Glenna Jean also called Isabella. Here's the link:
http://www.glennajean.com/pages/isabella.htm

Shopping, shopping, shopping... it is a fun way to pass the time!

Control issues....
OK, for those of you who know me, I tend to prefer the things in life I can control. I really don't think I'm a "controlling" person by nature, but, at least if it's my responsibility I know that if I do it, it's done. Which brings me again to our social worker. When I contracted with this homestudy agency one of my main concerns was timeline. The agency supervisor told me that we should be able to complete this process quickly and I have a feeling that if it were truly up to her we would be done by now. But it's not. As I think is common, they contract your job out to a social worker who they've probably never met in person. So, there you go.

At the outset I was told 7-10 days for a rough draft. I patiently waited until day 10 then called the SW and left a msg asking when it could be expected. She called back leaving a msg that it would be emailed the following day. At 5pm the following day, she emails to say it's not done but it should be the next day, or maybe the day after that. We're now on day 12 and no homestudy yet. Thing is, I have absolutely no doubt in my mind that when the rough draft gets here it's going to be a mess. She just strikes me that way. I'm trying to be patient but it's wearing thin.

On the positive side, I was fingerprinted for USCIS on Wed and Bobby just yesterday so at least that's done. On the internet groups I've been reading it can be as soon as 3-4 weeks after they receive the homestudy and prints for the I171, the last document needed for the dossier so we are definitely moving in the right direction. Goal: DTC before 1/1/06. Fingers are crossed.

OK, so today I'm feeling kinda low. I've been reading the Yahoo boards and it seems as though the referral process has really slowed down. From what I've seen there are several reasons for this. Apparantly, the director of the CCAA (the organization in China that does the adoptions) has been out of the office for awhile visiting orphanages, or something. He was supposed to be back in today and rumor is, may have started signing off on some of the referrals. If this is true, we should start seeing them in the next week or so. I've also heard that the number of applications is way up. I'm not sure about this one although it may be true.

I know that it is not yet my turn to get my referral, heck, we haven't even completed the paperchase, but there's just something about seeing those referrals that kinda keeps me going. It makes it feel "real" and "possible" that this will actually happen to us some day! I get tears in my eyes when I read those words on the screen "The ____ Family is thrilled to announce the referral of their daughter" and I so want to type those words myself. I know it will happen, I'm just being impatient.

I had to run out to Target to get something for Brett this evening and saw the cutest little outfit. Up til this point, I hadn't purchased any clothes for our girl. I've looked plenty, to which Bobby and the boys can attest, but no buying. There are several reasons for this, like HELLO!! we don't know what size she's gonna be!!! But this was just the most adorable outfit of all time. Its a pink (big surprise) little sweat suit with a patterned onesie that goes under it and it has the most adorable little Pooh on it. OK, I got the hat too. I got 9 mos, which should be fine as most of the girls adopted are small by US standards. I just couldn't resist. Don't worry, I won't get anymore... just this one.

Just for fun, I continue to kick around names:
~Clementine
~Adeline
~Adelaide
~Charlotte
~Chatelaine
~Aubrey
~Arabella
~Persephone
~Cambria
I'll list more as I think of them

Well, hopefully I have some good news this week, the homestudy is supposed to have a rough draft on Wed which would be definite progress. You can see from the time of this entry that I'm up in the middle of the night, ruminating on this process and lamenting my lack of control. I have a feeling that my hope to have our little girl at home by next Christmas may not happen but I still have my fingers crossed!!

Timeline:
Besides costs, people are always very curious as to how long this process takes to complete. Once again, there is a short answer "about a year." But, that timeframe can be hugely affected by many things that are within the adoptive parents' control and many more that are out of our hands.
**Since this was originally written, referral times have slowed considerably. Therefore, if someone were asking me today how long the process takes to complete, I may say 18 mos-2 years.
***amended 1/8/07 --the wait time for new families will likely be at least 5 years.

To understand the timeline, its good to have an understanding of what the process is actually requiring families to do. In order to complete an international adoption (IA), there are three separate sets of requirements to complete:

1. The Homestudy completed by a social worker who then says it is safe for us to have a child in our home. We make enough money, have enough room, are healthy, and are not complete freaks.

2. The feds USCIS (formerly INS) --this is the quest toward a magic piece of paper, the Holy Grail if you will, to most IA families --the dreaded (if you haven't received it yet) or lovely (if you have it in your hands) I-171H. In a nutshell you are applying to the federal govt to be allowed to bring a foreign orphan into the country. Sounds simple, huh?

3. China's requirements the Dossier --this is a group of documents that China requires including an application to adopt, marriage and birth certs, medical clearance, financial statement, employment letters the homestudy, the I-171H, and pix of your house and family. Again, seems simple, huh?

The problem is that China is very particular about these docs. They have to be relatively new, certified, then notarized, then verified, then authenticated. Whew, I'm exhausted already. Also, they cannot include any revisions, whiteout, mistakes and all numbers must match up with all the other numbers on all the other docs or they're no good and you must start over. Trust me, this creates some problems.

OUR TIMELINE:
09/05/2005 --Applied to Harrah's AIM

09/07/2005 --Brett's birthday!!

09/12/2005 --Rec'd agency acceptance letter and huge packet of paperwork from Harrah's AIM

09/13/2005 --Sent 1st agency fee and agency dossier prep fee to Harrah's, ordered birth certs from LA County for Susan, Brett and Casey.

09/15/2005 --Applied for passports

09/27/2005 --Ordered Bobby's birth cert from Michigan, only $16 for 3 copies!!!

09/30/2005 --Rec'd birth certs from LA County

10/04/2005 --San Bernardino recorder's office for marriage cert, same day service.

10/05/2005 --Rec'd Bobby's birth cert from Michigan, even came in a cute little holder!!

10/06/2005 --First physical exam for Bobby and Susan, some bloodwork. Doctor's office mistakenly scheduled our evals on Thursday so TB test could not be done. Will need an addional appointment. (1st frustration with Dr's office) I carefully explain to nurses and doctor's that the forms need to be filled out completely, no cross outs, no blank spaces, etc. Doctor and nurses look at me like I am insane or a total shrew, or both.

10/07/2005 --Susan's second trip to lab for bloodwork because doctor forgot to request HIV test (2nd frustration with doctor's office) and Susan obtains her background check

10/08/2005 --First homestudy visit at Starbuck's

10/10/2005 --Back to Dr's office for TB test

10/12/2005 --Bobby obtains his background check and rec'd Susan's passport

10/12/2005 --Back to Dr's office to have TB test read, and picked up Susan and Bobby's medical forms (that's done, yeah right!!)

10/19/2005 --Rec'd Bobby's passport

10/20/2005 --Notified by Dossier Consultant (DC) that Bobby's medical clearance has a white out correction on it. Upon close inspection I realize she is correct. Back to the doctor to have him sign a new form. (3rd frustration with Dr's office). Susan's medical clearance has an "abnormal" circled. What?!?! Dr's office says I'll have to re-test. (4th frustration with Dr's office)

10/27/2005 --(1)Casey's birthday!!! (2) I-600a received by USCIS

10/30/2005 --Second homestudy visit --our house.

11/01/2005 --Susan returns to Dr's office for re-test where she is so grumpy that Dr. avoids her and makes nurses discuss forms, etc. Susan explains to nurse, not that politely, that this really needs to be done correctly. Cross your fingers!!

11/08/2005 --received USCIS fingerprint referral notice saying we must be fingerprinted between 11/8/05 and 11/22/05!!!! I was told by many that we probably wouldn't get our fingerprint notice for about 3 weeks after USCIS received it, luckily we got it in 12 days!!!

11/09/2005 --Susan fingerprinted for USCIS (yeah!) and obtained even more documents from the courthouse re: our background checks (grrrr..). Supposed to get rough draft of homestudy today. SW calls, homestudy will be ready and emailed tomorrow.

11/10/2005 --Bobby fingerprinted for USCIS. SW emails, homestudy will be ready in a day or two.

11/22/2005 --Homestudy is complete and forwarded to DC for review. Should be mailed to USCIS in about a week.

11/28/2005 --Homestudy received by LA USCIS --6 week countdown begins!!

11/30/05 --After 3 more visits, Susan finally gets medical clearance from doctor. Total trips to doctor's office = 11!!

12/01/2005 --Write and received approval of CCAA letter to adopt. Also, adoption agency gave tentative approval to the china version of the homestudy.

12/06/2005 --All docs now notarized and mailed to DC for review. Learned from online groups wait may now be 8 weeks for I171H.

01/04/06 --we have been approved to bring an orphan into the country, just waiting on having the I171 in our hot little hands.

01/11/06 --GOT IT!!! THE I171H IS HERE!!!

01/12/06 --I171H notarized by friend at work, thank you Phi, and overnighted to Dossier Consultant to get needed certifications. We're on track to be DTC 1/20/06.

01/13/06 --I171H expedited at the Secretary of State

01/14/06 --Bobby's birthday --Lordy, lordy, look who's forty!!

01/16/06 --MLK day. "I have a dream..." me too!!

01/17/06 --I171H personally delivered to Chinese Consulate in San Francisco.

01/18/06 --I171H picked up from consulate and fed ex'd to HFS!!!

01/19/06 --Notified by HFS, all documents received and complete. On track to be DTC tomorrow.

01/20/06 --DTC today!!!!! Now begins "the wait"

01/28/06--2/12/06: CCAA closed for Lunar/Chinese New Year.

02/13/06 --our LID. CCAA now stating estimated wait til referral is 12 mos. If this is true, we should have our referral by 2/13/2007 and travel possilbly 4/07.

05/23/06 --100 days since LID and we got our Brown Envelope! Current referral time 12 mos. Rumors now quoting 18 mos from LID to referral for subsequent LID's.

05/27/06 --Susan turns 40 ;-l

09/25/07 --Brett starts college!

10/27/07 --Casey turns 17!

01/04/08 --2nd I171 rec'd. Most recent info says we will not recieve a referral until late 2008 or early 2009 due to Olympics in Beijing 08/08/2008.

01/14/08 --Bobby turns 42!

06/21/2008 --Its official, we've been married 22 yrs

09/07/2008 --Brett turns 20!

09/13/08 --3rd USCIS fingerprinting (Bobby, Susan and Brett) --only 4 lids til ours!!

09/29/2008 --REFERRAL!!!!

11/10/08 --TA's arrived, finally!

11/17/08 --Consulate appointment confirmed for 12/16/08!!

12/1/08 --we will leave for Beijing!!!

The saga continues......

Yeah!!!! Our second homestudy was completed on Sunday!!! I really must admit there is absolutely no love between our social worker and me. We just don't hit it off at all. She was at our house for about 50 minutes total during which she stared at my kids, asked them what they thought of this process (they gave their standard "it's weird" answer) then told us all that they looked "normal" and sent them on their merry way. Very strange. I have to admit I was slightly concerned with the fact that Brett's arms are literally covered in huge ugly bruises! It looks like someone beat him with a bat --they're actually from his football games/practices. Anyway, I don't think the SW noticed... to tell you truth, I don't think she notices much of anything.

Although we were told it was very important to have our autobiographies available at the first homestudy meeting so the SW could review them prior to our "in-depth" second meeting, it was obvious that she had never looked at them at all. In fact approximately half of the 50 mins was spent with her reading through them while we looked at her across that table. The balance of the time she walked us through our house explaining that we will need to put up gates and place door latches on the cupboards. Can we all say "DUH!!!" I mean, Hello, we have two teenagers. She also had some issues with the pool but seemed fairly satisfied that we are safety freakish enough that it shouldn't be a problem.

In any event, before she left she asked if we had any questions. Of course I only had one... When will the homestudy be complete? She said 10 days so, doing the math, it seems we'll have an emailed rough draft by maybe 11/10/05 or so. Yippeeee!!!

I guess I really shouldn't complain about the fact that the SW doesn't seem overly involved in this process. It could certainly be worse. I've heard of some that just drive people crazy with things they need to do before they can be approved.

On the USCIS front (previously I.N.S.) our I600 was received by them on 10/27/05. I'm not sure how long it will take for them to send us some reply. Our homestudy agency director says that we should receive a letter from them saying "thanks, now we're waiting for your homestudy." But I've read on the International Adopt California yahoo group that it's likely we'll be given a fingerprint appointment without the homestudy. We will see.

In regard to the dossier, we're really now just waiting on the correctly completed form from the doctor for my medical clearance. Yesterday, I went to his office for a new test (this is my 7th!!! visit to the doctor to get this single page form completed) and we should have the completed doc by 11/4 (fingers crossed).

All in all, it seems that things are going along fairly well. I spend some time everyday reading the chinese adoption blogs and stories of others and looking at referral pix of those who already have their little bundles of joy. I also daydream and do endless internet searches for cribs, crib bedding, strollers, and of course baby names. It passes the time. Halloween just passed and it's interesting to think that by next year we may have our little girl to dress up and take trick-or- treating!! It seems as though referrals are slowing down though so, once again, we'll have to see.

Alright then. I'll write more when there's more to tell!!